The Annoying Game
by Hic iacet Mori
Summary: Naruto and Sai play a dangerous game to hone their shinobi skills. Their goal—to annoy their target enough to attack them both with their most powerful jutsu at maximum killing intent. Their next target—Konoha's number one recalcitrant Uchiha Sasuke.
1. Part 1

**The Annoying Game  
**

_by Hic Iacet Mori_

* * *

**Part 1**

Uzumaki Naruto and Sai started off at the very wrong foot, so wrong that having a gambling drunkard for a Hokage was actually the rightest thing in the world. There were a lot of animosity between them—rather, from Naruto's side as Sai was an unfeeling jerk by default—and it didn't help that Sai was almost a literal replacement to Naruto's rival-best friend, Uchiha Sasuke. Interestingly, though, it was the particular mission to try and retrieve the wayward Uchiha that brought the two into a reluctant truce. Said reluctant truce turned into grudging mutual respect in time—rather, from Naruto's side only as Sai was a social retard by default and wouldn't understand how respect can be related to grudge—until, in typical Uzumaki fashion, Sai was brought into the light.

So was Naruto, who learned soon that Sai's flippant attitude and callousness was a product of Root's desensitization to create the ultimate shinobi. Naruto, as was his typical way of seeing the world at large, saw in Sai a little bit of himself. He was an orphan—like him; treated in an _unconventional_manner—like him; and _secretly_ pining for his special bond—like him. It helped too, that Sai treated the deceased Shin like a brother and Naruto treated the defected Sasuke like a brother as well—something that Sai denied once by calmly commenting that he never obsessed over his brother-by-spirit and that he didn't believe in incest, but Naruto didn't know what that was supposed to mean so Sai was left unscathed that day.

They were similar in some ways enough for Naruto to like Sai, but what he truly found likable about the older shinobi was how the latter's utter social cluelessness—infinitely worse than his—led to many interesting and often hilarious situations. More often enough, said situations land them in incidents more dangerous, more threatening, and more serious than most missions they had ever had.

And so a game was born.

* * *

It was one fine day six months after Naruto got to know Sai when the blond still-genin was more restless and bored than usual. Enter Sai, who he promptly wheedled into treating him to miso ramen at the well-loved Ichiraku. Barely two minutes after Naruto had warmed his seat, Sai already sported an empty bowl on his head with tepid ramen trailing down his face.

Naruto couldn't stop snickering. He only stopped when his nose accidentally inhaled the strings of noodles—a pause while he removed the intrusion, popped it into his mouth, before he guffawed.

"I merely complimented Ugly on her shinier forehead," Sai remarked, patting his face dry with a white handkerchief. "Women are supposed to enjoy compliments. Does that mean Ugly isn't a woman at all?"

He snorted again before swallowing another mouthful of ramen. "Compliment. _Right_. And then you said it's so shiny you can see yourself staring back. You know Sakura-chan is sensitive about her forehead."

"Yes," Sai said, nodding. He looked perplexed, though. "That's why I gave her a compliment."

Naruto shook his head in laughter and defeat. "Just don't mention her forehead anymore."

"Naruto-kun!"

Naruto looked behind him and broke into one of his sunny smiles. "Oi Miroku! Done with your mission?"

"That was an entirely pointless question."

A shinobi in chuunin attire slipped under the overhang. Said chuunin had dark brown hair in dreadlocks, his dark green eyes shining with excitement as he approached Naruto. In his hand was an odd-looking explosive tag.

"Check out what I made, yo!" Miroku exclaimed with pride.

"Is he your friend, dickless?" Sai inquired, rubbing his bruised head.

Naruto glared half-heartedly at the socially-inept ninja before flashing an apologetic grin to Miroku. "Miroku, this is Sai, an asshole with sensitivity issues. Sai, this is Miroku, chuunin espionage-expert. We had a mission before."

Miroku bowed to his waist. "A pleasure to meet you, Sai-kun."

Sai, thankfully, had read up on the book of etiquette Sakura had thrown on his head a week before. "Likewise, Miroku-san."

"So what is it?" Naruto asked.

The chuunin held the piece of paper in his hand. "I made a new type of explosive tag. This one's the greatest for distractions in situations with no viable escape."

"Distractions?"

Personally, Naruto thought that an explosive tag for _distractions in situations with no viable escape_ was overkill for the chuunin. The problem with talking to Miroku was how distracted Naruto would always be by the large mole on the right side of his nose. Sometimes, after accidentally staring and getting caught by the darkness of Miroku's mole, he would see a mole-mouth spewing obscenities as mole-eyes glared at him. _Pay attention to what I'm saying, dumbass! You think your nonexistent awesome ninja skills could hide your ogling? Oi dipshit, this isn't my face!_

"—Naruto-kun?"

There, he had been distracted again!

"Do you know that your mole is an excellent distraction tool?"

Naruto's head snapped up. Horror dawned on his features as a tan hand reached up to his mouth. Did he say that out loud? But his mouth was shut!

"You only need to angle your head to the right. Wait for the sun to bathe your mole in the morning glow and your enemies will be blinded by the gla—"

A hand reached out to slap Sai's cordial mouth.

"Dude! Ignore what the asshole said!" Naruto said with as much good cheer as he could muster with a shinobi wiggling from his tight hold and an offended chuunin with angry, watering eyes standing before him. "He's just joking, see?" His voice lowered into a whisper. "Nod your head or I'm going to tell Sakura-chan what you said about her boobs yesterday!"

Sai nodded obediently. Naruto promptly removed his hand over the clueless Root ANBU's mouth and covertly wiped it on the back of his pants.

"Covering my mouth with a hand that touched your mouth is unhygienic, dickless."

Naruto kicked him in the shin. Sai merely smiled.

"So where were we?" he asked jovially in an attempt to salvage the otherwise friendly conversation. The chuunin flashed a dark look to his retarded companion before nodding with not a small amount of hesitation.

"Maybe we can test this tag somewhere?" Miroku asked, eyes lighting up as he held his prized explosive tag.

"Is your eyesight poor?" Sai asked out of nowhere.

"I—pardon?" Miroku asked, startled by the question.

Sai nodded in understanding. "And you're hard of hearing as well. While I can assume that your enormous mole is blocking your eyesight, I couldn't say the same for your hearing. Unless you have another mole somewhere near your ear that is altering the vibration of sound waves?"

He watched in perplexed silence as Miroku's face reddened while spluttering incoherently. Meanwhile, Naruto looked like he was choking in his own saliva.

"Fu—_Sai!_ Why?" Naruto finally managed to hiss.

Sai smiled with a small amount of confusion in his blank face. "He was inviting you to test his tag somewhere when it is clear that you aren't done with your meal." His head tilted to the side. "You look constipated. Is the ramen not agreeing with your stomach?"

The warning bells in Naruto's mind were ringing and he hurriedly paid for his one miso ramen—the first time in his life that he ever only managed to finish one bowl—ignoring the fact that Sai was supposed to be paying for the treat. He thought of leaving Sai but he couldn't forget his teammate duties, so he quickly grabbed said ninja's wrist in a tight hold.

"Had to plant my waters!" Naruto explained hurriedly. "Ja, Miroku!"

The words were barely out of his mouth when the stand was engulfed in gray smoke and a kunai almost grazed his neck. Suddenly he was coated in ink and he had no fucking idea what happened until he found himself hidden in a bush.

"Are we going to have sex?" a voice with no discernible inflection asked beside him.

Naruto's eyes bulged as he swiftly released his grip on his clueless teammate. "The hell that came from?"

"It came from me. Or is the lack of penis affecting your logic as well?" Sai asked in his version of concern.

"Sai," Naruto growled. His fingers were itching to wrap itself around a pale neck. Preferably Sai's.

"Yes, dickless?"

"Where the fuck did that question come from?"

Sai's eyebrows furrowed, the smile in his face admirably in place. "From you?"

"Argh, you're so hopeless!" Naruto screamed, his hands reaching up to strangle the air. Hopefully Sai would be a _helpful_ teammate and place his neck _between_ his hands.

Black eyes were gleaming with curiosity over Naruto's gesticulations. "Is there something I said or did to imply that I lack hop—"

"_Sex!_" Naruto screeched. "Where did your question about sex come from?" He would _kill_ whoever planted that idea in the dickhead's mind!

"Oh, that question," Sai remarked. "I read from Kakashi-san's book that people who engage in sexual activities prefer to indulge in it in the bushes."

Naruto's mouth hung open, then closed. Then opened and closed again. Suddenly he didn't know what to say anymore.

"Is your nose clogged with excessive mucus? While we normally exhale through the mouth, you may inadvertently swallow a wayward flying insect."

And then Naruto just knew what to do.

He laughed.

He laughed long and hard until he passed the stage of being red in the face and skipped to being blue from lack of air. Sai was waiting for him to calm down with a quizzical smile on his face.

"Sai, Sai," Naruto finally wheezed. He laughed again before settling down with a wide grin on his face. "You're an asshole and a sorry excuse for a human, but you're fun to have around."

Sai felt his smile relax into something more genuine. His chest had oddly warmed up on those words and he said the first two words he ever uttered that weren't prodded by all the books that he had read.

"Thank you."

Naruto smiled back. He could see the sincerity in the older shinobi's smile and hear it in his words. Sai may not be as hopeless, after all.

He bit back a grin as his voice became serious. "Of course, it's kinda tiring to be looking after our asses every time you open your mouth."

"How is my mouth connected to our asses?" Sai asked in a clearly puzzled voice.

"That—" Naruto almost choked on his laughter, "—sounded so wrong." Before Sai could ask why, he plodded on, "What I mean is, we always have to save ourselves whenever you accidentally insult people."

Sai never ceased to wonder why people react in an offensive manner when he offered his observations, but he understood what Naruto just said. "We can think of it as training, dickless."

The younger shinobi rolled his blue eyes. "Training. Right." His eyes took a faraway look as Sai's words began to sink in.

"Sai! You're a genius!"

"I couldn't say the same for you, unfortunately."

Naruto ignored the disparaging comment on his intellectual capacity. "We can train using your assholey mouth!"

"My mouth resembles an asshole?"

"You can insult some people until they get angry enough to come after us and then we'll use the opportunity to use our mad ninja skills!"

"I don't have mad ninja skills, dickless. Clinical insanity is not beneficial to the battlefield."

"Or I can help you annoy people!" Naruto continued in an enthusiastic voice. "We'll choose a target and do everything we can until they come to us using their ultimate jutsu! Then we have to do everything to make sure we remain alive. It's excellent training!"

Sai knew that whatever it was his young friend had concocted, he wouldn't be able to do anything about it. It was interesting to watch Naruto's expressions, anyway. He seemed to be really taken into his idea.

"We should have a time limit. Like, we should annoy our target in one week or one month or something. If we couldn't annoy our target, we should have some kind of punishment. Whatcha think?"

Sai was smiling as his mind analyzed Naruto's words. "A month should suffice. It takes ten seconds to annoy you to use Rasengan, but normal people like Nara—"

"Yeah, yeah," Naruto cut off, rolling his eyes. "So my punishment is—" he paused, then swallowed hard, "—I won't eat ramen for three days."

"That's not a punishment," Sai mildly pointed out.

"Choose yours already!"

Sai pondered for a moment. "I will not draw for three days."

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest, closing his eyes in deep thought. An eye opened and he smiled. "Fair enough. Now let's annoy our target!"

"Who?"

Naruto's eyebrows furrowed. "Anou, I guess the first person we see."

As if Fate had heard, an ivory-white hand parted the bushes where they were hiding and a deep voice spoke up. Like the voice of a tenor from way up high.

"There you are. Hokage-sama is looking for you, Naruto."

And so Hyuuga Neji became their first target.

* * *

After meeting with the Hokage, Naruto decided to add another rule to their game—they couldn't use anything in the taboo list against their targets_("Why?" "Because that's just making it soooo easy." "I don't see anything wrong with it." "We need a challenge, man!")_. In Neji's case, they couldn't use the Main family-Branch family division to prod him into a violent rage. While Naruto may be a prankster, he wasn't a heartless bastard. Unlike _someone_ he knew.

The two spent a week on reconnaissance before applying what they discovered. What would make the stoic Hyuuga genius explode? Not tampering his conditioner, not soiling his clan robes, not even locking him in a closet with the voluble Rock Lee. Poking fun at his freaky pupil-less eyes merely irritated Neji, and consistently attacking his blind spot during a spar only fueled said Hyuuga's determination. Mocking the jounin by embellishing the story of how Naruto defeated him in the chuunin exams only served to force the long-haired shinobi into rolling his eyes in exasperation. Exposing his secret as a closet Icha Icha fan—with delivery receipt as proof and a grinning Jiraiya signing Neji's copies with pride—merely dislocated Sai's left shoulder.

Sakura only took half an hour to take care of it, after which Sai thanked her _("My shoulder owed its profoundest gratitude to your manly grip_—_and the overgrown brain behind your ginormous forehead")_ and Naruto thought it necessary to coax Shizune to take care of Sai's now _two_ dislocated shoulders.

It was while visiting Tenten in her apartment to borrow a kunai sharpener that Naruto hit the jackpot. Neji was very protective of his teammates in an aloof sort of way, but caring was caring and it was a language he understood. Neji would probably have no problems with Naruto being with Tenten, but _Sai?_

"Wanna go to the onsen, Tenten?"

"When?"

Minutes later Naruto found Sai. On their way to the onsen, they ran into Hinata.

"H—Hello, N-N-Naruto-k-k-kun, S-S-Sai-san."

Hinata really was the weirdest girl Naruto had ever known. And the most delicate. Greeting people seemed to take a lot out of her.

"Hey Hinata."

"You still have trouble speaking, Hinata-san?" Sai asked pleasantly. "It seems your considerable breasts are blocking your air flow and hindering your speech."

Hinata's face was the reddest shade Naruto had ever seen. But he couldn't comment on it as his own face flamed with embarrassment for his timid friend and fury over his insufferable teammate.

"Sai, you asshole!" he screeched. Naruto screeched a lot when Sai was around.

"Sorry about that, Hinata. Sai's just an inborn jerk," he said, turning to the long-haired girl who was desperately gasping for air and dignity. And Naruto really felt sorry for her. "Anou sa, wanna join us? We're meeting Tenten in the communal onsen."

"C-C-Communal?"

Naruto nodded. "Aa." His blue eyes looked down at her with worry. "Hey, you okay?"

"U-Un!" Hinata said weakly, a pale hand covering her nose. "I—I h-h-have t-t-to go."

The two watched as Hinata vanished from their sight. Shrugging, they continued to their destination.

* * *

Neji had received Tenten's missive that she won't be available for their spar as she was invited to the onsen by _"my dear neighbor Naru-chan and he'd be bringing a friend along."_ He had a bad feeling over the situation—Naruto and his intolerable teammate Sai had been unusually persistent in being around him lately. He knew Tenten could take care of herself, being Konoha's Weapon Mistress, but his instincts were telling him to drop by for a visit if he could.

It took a moment for Neji to realize that in his random pacing in random places, he had almost stepped on his cousin Hinata.

Said cousin was kneeling on the floor before her bath materials with a noticeably pink tinge on her cheeks. It was as if she was praying for enlightenment from the deities of bath essentials.

"Hinata-sama? Why are you on the floor?"

"N-Neji-niisan?"

A dark eyebrow gracefully rose. "Is something the matter?"

"A-Anou—" Hinata's blush deepened. "N-Naruto-kun invited me to j-j-join him and Sai-san t-t-to—to the c-c-communal onsen."

Neji nodded. "I see." He turned around to continue his pacing. Then paused.

_"my dear neighbor Naru-chan_—_"_

Naruto.

_"_—_and he'd be bringing a friend along."_

Sai.

_"_—_to the c-c-communal onsen."_

No way in _hell_.

* * *

"Ah, this is good!" Tenten exclaimed, leaning back as hot water soothed her aching muscles. It had been a long time since she pampered herself. "Thanks, Naruto, Sai-san."

"No problem!" Naruto said cheerily.

"The pleasure is mine, Tenten-san," Sai returned amicably.

Tenten hummed with contentment. But Sai wasn't finished.

"Indeed, it was a pleasure to see the shapeliest buns of a female in Konoha up close."

Tenten looked at Sai with uncertainty. She consciously reached up to touch one of her oxhorn. "Thanks?"

"Not as perfectly-shaped as the one dickless has, though."

Naruto's mouth dropped in mortification while Tenten's face reddened—from embarrassment or rage, he didn't care to identify at the moment. It was a good thing that Tenten had a high level of tolerance, though. Anyone would, with an icy bastard and an over-enthusiastic kid for teammates.

"O-_kay_. That was awkward," she laughed. Awkwardly.

And then it happened.

Hot water suddenly shot up the air and massive killing intent encompassed the once-peaceful onsen. Hyuuga Neji had heard everything and he was intent on _mutilating_ Sai's tenketsu to _nonexistence_.

The three sprang up from the waters as Sai tried to evade Neji's _Hakke Hyakunijuuhachishou_. With a water-logged towel on his waist and a demonically faster opponent, Sai couldn't deflect all of 128 palm strikes.

Tenten appeared before the rampaging Hyuuga, pushing Sai to where Naruto stood with his mouth agape.

"Neji! What's gotten into you?"

Neji was panting from the adrenaline rush. Tenten strode nearer, unmindful of the wet towel that was slowly slipping down her body.

"I'm trying to relax here!" Tenten exclaimed, exasperated. "We spar _everyday_! Can't we skip a day at _all?_ Neji? _Neji?_"

A cool draft explained why Neji's white face had turned an unhealthy scarlet.

"Oh. Shit," Tenten murmured. Her towel dropped. _Oops._

She bent down to retrieve the cloth, unwittingly giving a little show to the two silenced shinobi behind her.

"Wow. That _is_ one fine piece of ass," Naruto breathed in awe.

"I said so, didn't I," Sai said, his smile widening.

It was the only time in his whole life that Hyuuga Neji's eyes bled _crimson_.

* * *

It took two weeks for Sai and five days for Naruto to recover. It took three months before Neji calmed enough to not attack them on sight. In the time that they were in the hospital, Naruto painfully congratulated themselves on the success of their game.

"We should do it again," Naruto said, fighting back a grunt of pain.

And Sai, his entire body in a cast and his chakra system barely recovering, broke into a full smile.

"Yes."

* * *

They decided to play their game every three months after that. Naruto made a list of the shinobi they knew and tore the paper into small pieces with individual names. After drawing lots, they got their next target—Hagane Kotetsu.

It was unbelievably easy to annoy the chuunin. Naruto changed his coffee to decaf and Sai wrote _"I only bend for Izumo, biatch!"_ on the bandage covering the bridge of his nose while he was asleep. Kotetsu began swinging around his giant mace after discovering the same words written in semi-permanent ink on the skin _not_ covered by his bandage.

Naruto still hadn't explained to Sai what _biatch_ meant, though. Or how bending for Izumo could drive a happy-go-lucky person like Kotetsu into rage. Though that month, Sai learned that it was really painful to get hit by a mace on the head.

Their next target was Inuzuka Kiba, another easy one. Sai and Naruto hid Akamaru and invited the brash chuunin to a covered picnic table in the forest. The huge, drugged canine was sleeping under the table when Kiba came to Naruto and Sai's "invitation-only" picnic.

Kiba's sensitive nose could pick Akamaru's scent coming from the table, and when he warily asked what the roasted meat on the table was, Naruto exclaimed that it was a "native delicacy from Kumo" (_"Did you know that the Raikage like his dogs tender?"_ Sai interjected with a pleased smile).

Naruto and Sai ended up in the hospital for the third time in nine months.

* * *

By then, three people had discovered what the two shinobi were up to. Shikamaru, who had always been too smart for his own good, had figured it out during their second round. He was too lazy to forget details and too detached to care about his blond friend's masochistic tendencies—the fact that he was the best friend of the renegade Uchiha was proof to the fact—plus it seemed to be doing good to his socially-deficient teammate. Shikamaru concluded that it wasn't too great a nuisance to trouble himself with.

And knowing about their game ensured that Shikamaru won't be a target _ever_.

The second person to discover the game was Tsunade. Forceful persuasion made the unrepentant Uzumaki Naruto confess everything, and it was a great relief to the recently-promoted chuunin that they weren't ordered to stop. The Hokage agreed that it was excellent training—albeit very radical and deadly—and she could see the effects their game had on Naruto and Sai's relationship. They were fast becoming close friends—Naruto was smiling more again and Sai was smiling a real smile once in a while.

The third person to know was Shizune. Tsunade needed a betting partner.

The Godaime had yet to win.

* * *

Of all their targets since they started the game, Hyuuga Hinata had dealt the most damage. Who knew that shy, gentle Hinata could become such a rabid, violent, ruthless demon over a _silently_ borrowed photo album?

Tsunade lost that bet as well. She bet that Hinata wouldn't hurt either of the two.

Naruto had accidentally gotten into the line of fire of her _Shugo Hakke Rokujuuyonshou_.

Both Naruto and Sai spent two weeks recovering in the hospital. When Naruto timidly asked what was in the heavily-warded photo album, the heiress fainted.

* * *

Throughout the time that Naruto and Sai had been training and playing the dangerous game, they never stopped chasing Sasuke. And so, more than four years later since he left, Uchiha Sasuke was finally back in Konoha. It had taken more than a year before he finally allowed himself to be bathed in the warmth and light that was Naruto, and while things will never be the same between them—a world of hurt and betrayal was hard to forget—Naruto had welcomed him in as friendly a manner as he could.

Almost a year later and they were trading insults once more but Sasuke could sense a disquieting gap between them. It bothered him that it _bothered _him, but he had been away too long and while he chided himself for his sentimentality, he missed the old days. He may have been colder and angrier the first few months he had returned, but he _truly_ missed the old days.

He only missed Konoha because he missed the blond idiot, however much he denied it upon his return. And however much he denied his bond with the moron, it was his most precious remaining bond and hell if he wouldn't make sure that it grew stronger and bring them close, _closer_, again. He made a mistake twice—first with Itachi, then with Naruto—and Sasuke won't repeat his mistakes ever again.

But a part of him, a part he thought he had gotten rid of, was saying words that brought a pang on his chest because they were true.

And he hated himself for it.

"Dobe."

Naruto looked up, a scowl on his face. "Stop calling me that, teme."

"An insult for an insult is hardly a convincing argument, dickless."

Sasuke's face was expressionless as he inwardly twitched with annoyance.

"Shut up Sai and stop calling me that," the now-jounin automatically fired back. In return, the former Root ANBU gave an almost playful smile.

"Are you two done?" Sasuke intoned, gritting his teeth. Naruto's head shot up, puzzled over his best friend's unwarranted irritation. It wasn't his fault that Sai had tricked him into writing their mission report. Nor was it his fault that Sai drew on his old scrolls and Naruto had to beg the Hokage to give him a new one. _This'd be the last time I partner with that dick_, Naruto inwardly grumbled. He forgot that he said that after every mission with Sai.

"What is it, bastard?"

"I'm going for lunch," Sasuke replied. A smile broke on the tan face and blue eyes lit up with child-like excitement. He almost smiled back at the predictable reaction, knowing that Naruto understood that it was his invitation. Since they returned to friendly terms, they hardly had the time to eat together as he completed his punishment and Naruto went on missions.

He didn't predict the blond turning to his replacement, however. "Hey Sai! You promised you'd treat me today!"

"You begged me," Sai corrected. "Then you threatened to tell Tsunade-sama what I said about her henge yesterday."

"So you're not buying me ramen?" Naruto asked, his smile stretching wide.

Sai stood up. "I didn't say that. Come on."

"Ramen!" Naruto exclaimed and threw the finished report on the other desk. He grabbed Sai's arm. "Let's go! Ja, bastard!"

And the words repeated in Sasuke's mind again.

And however much he hated himself for his weakness, the last Uchiha felt an ache in his chest.

* * *

"Okay Sai," Naruto said, his voice low as he stirred his ramen. His head was tilted nearer to his companion. "It's game time."

Sai nodded. They both knew that it was that time again. The lunch was just a cover to meet and plot for the tenth round of their no-holds barred training. Naruto took out a scroll and summoned the jar with their target names.

"It's your turn to draw, dickless."

Naruto puffed his cheeks at the irritating nickname but complied. A wicked grin on his face, he slowly lowered his hand as he clutched a piece of paper. With an air of anticipation, Naruto unfolded the paper.

Blue eyes widened as black eyes looked down in speculative silence.

"So our target is Uchiha."

Meters away, said Uchiha couldn't take his eyes off how near their faces were to each other. How their bodies were aligned with each other and how comfortable they appeared together. How _close_ they appeared to anyone who saw them. How—

How it used to be Naruto and him.

His nails were digging painfully in his palms but he couldn't bring himself to care.

They didn't just grow up. It seemed they grew apart too.

_Still think you're his precious person, Uchiha?_

* * *

"We know the taboos," Naruto said the next day when they met at the Team 7 training ground. The old Team 7 hardly ever met anymore but Naruto and Sai always found the time to meet during game month. It helped that the Hokage enjoyed their game and made sure to put them on missions together during this time, or sometimes just give them day-offs altogether.

When she's feeling impatient, their target gets a day-off as well.

Sai nodded, a pleasant smile in face. "Uchiha massacre, Orochimaru, Otogakure, Akatsuki, Hebi, Taka, Uchiha Madara, and Uchiha Itachi."

Their tenth target had the longest taboo list ever.

"Should we do recon?" Naruto mused aloud. "I know some information about him that can help, y'know. He likes tomatoes, he hates sweets, he hates his fan girls, he hates being touched, he likes being superior, he hates bright colors, he hates idiots, he hates loud noises, he likes dark colors, he likes taking long sleeps—"

"Why doesn't he hate you?" Sai asked, curious. Most, if not all, in Naruto's information logically showed that Uchiha shouldn't be touching Naruto's shadow with a forty-foot pole.

Naruto's eyebrows furrowed, and then he shrugged after a moment of awkward silence. "Guess he got used to me. So—do we still do recon?"

A subtle shift in the wind caused him to turn to Sai. Their eyes caught each other in understanding before Naruto looked up.

"And a good morning to you too, bastard!" Naruto called out with a bright smile.

Sasuke stepped out from the shadows of the trees, glaring at everything and nothing in particular. His sharp eyesight had seen them a mile away, and it was with great effort that he had forced himself to not run the remaining steps and separate the two from each other.

Naruto and Sai were seated on the grasses with their legs crossed and their knees brushing against each other. Their voices had been low, as if they were discussing a matter only they could understand and only the other had a right to hear. Their postures were relaxed and their expressions almost uncannily similar.

They were _too close_.

Sasuke hadn't missed how the two had caught each other's eyes before Naruto called him out. It was as if they understood each other enough to not speak aloud anymore.

Like best friends did.

"Usuratonkachi," Sasuke unintentionally bit out harshly. "Fight me."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. "Hey. Are you mad at me or something?"

"Are you scared, _Naru-chan_?" he taunted. When in doubt, do the status quo. Even if he had to act as childishly as the idiot.

Naruto scowled. It had always been easy to rile him and he was reacting in a way that was familiar to the genius. "Teme—"

Naruto was on his feet when a pale hand caught a golden-brown wrist. Sasuke couldn't hide his ire like he normally would. A meaningful look passed between the two, and Sasuke watched in irritation as Naruto tensed before exhaling. He nodded and Sai released his hand.

Then Naruto spoke with words that made the blood in Sasuke's body run cold.

"Be grateful, bastard. Me and Sai still have something to discuss or you'd be crying already."

He stood for a moment in stunned silence as Naruto pulled the other pale ninja up. His black eyes hardened as the two went on speaking to each other in low tones, and then Naruto turned to him with an eyebrow raised.

"Fine," Sasuke spat out. Both golden eyebrows rose in surprise at the sudden venom in his best friend's interjection. Not in the mood to see their _friendly _interaction, Sasuke turned around and stalked off.

"What the hell?" Naruto muttered. Sasuke's shoulders were tensed and his movements slightly less graceful as it usually were. Did it really anger him that much?

"Hey Sai," Naruto started, slightly hesitant.

The other only nodded. "I understand. Later then."

Naruto grinned and nodded back. And then he raised his right hand as wind and chakra gathered on his palm. With a last cheeky grin at Sai, Naruto faced forward and took off.

"_Rasengan!_"

Sasuke felt a sudden spike of chakra behind him. His eyes widened as his body dodged in reflex—a second later and he would have been hit. The spiraling sphere hit a tree ahead of him instead, and his eyes narrowed as laughing blue eyes met his cold black ones.

"I thought you want to fight me, bastard," Naruto said after a strange moment of staring, a smile wide on his lips.

"Hn."

Sasuke was never a happy person. But in that moment, as their bodies clashed in the familiar dance of weapons and chakra after a long, long time, as he stifled the smile that threatened to form whenever he remembered that it was _him_ with Naruto and not anyone else, that—childish as it was to say—it was _him_ Naruto chose and no one else—

He felt it was the closest to happiness that he had ever reached.

* * *

Tsunade, Godaime Hokage of Konoha, rubbed her temple exasperatedly with slim, white fingers. "You cost me another training ground, gaki," she growled.

Naruto's eyes widened. "Me? He started it!" he yelled, pointing at Sasuke standing smugly beside him.

Sasuke smirked. "Who attacked first?"

"Well who said _'fight me'_?" he screeched.

Ignoring the headache-inducing loud voice of his chosen successor, Tsunade was glad to see that everything seemed to bear a semblance of normalcy between the two once again. She could still remember the times that Naruto sought her to unburden about Uchiha, of the times that Naruto had been on the verge of tears as he narrated how he was ignored every time he came to visit the other shinobi. She could still remember the urge to ram her fist up his Uchiha ass whenever Naruto wondered if Sasuke really hated him for forcing him back to Konoha. And whenever Naruto would grin to swallow the tears he didn't want to let out, Tsunade had to swallow the urge to order the ANBU guarding their prisoner to beat the shit out of the snot-nosed arrogant prick of a bastard for making her precious Naruto suffer. For making him doubt, for making him fear. For making him fight back his tears and making him fake again that everything was alright.

Naruto was afraid that he didn't matter to Sasuke anymore.

_If you only knew, _she thought fondly as she watched the arguing couple before her. There was that arrogant smirk, that superior aura around the last Uchiha that Naruto intensely disliked, but there was something that he couldn't see. Because whenever Naruto so much as glance away, Sasuke's eyes would soften and Tsunade could see how much the loud-mouthed idiot truly mattered to him.

Sasuke scowled when he saw the Hokage looking at him with knowing amber eyes. Tsunade smirked, her smirk deepening at the slight angry red tinge that colored his smooth, ivory-colored cheeks. She chuckled when the annoyed former avenger looked away with a deeper scowl.

_If you only knew how you make me want to get addicted to blackmail right now, Uchiha_, she cackled mentally.

Which reminded her of her real reason for summoning Naruto.

"So what story can you share today, gaki?" Tsunade asked with a little smile.

Naruto grinned, his eyes squinting shut and making him uncannily resemble a wily animal. "Ever heard the story of the fox and the snake?"

An amused twinkle appeared in the Hokage's gold-flecked eyes. "No, but I'm looking forward to your narration. I can't wait to hear the ending."

Sasuke looked at the two, eyes narrowing in suspicion. Their words sounded innocent enough but it felt like he just missed something vital.

"Anything else, Baa-chan?" Naruto asked, hoping that his question didn't imply that he wanted to escape. He hoped that this latest information had made her forget about the annihilated training ground.

"Yes," Tsunade said, smiling too mischievously for his sanity. _So it's the Uchiha's turn, eh?_ This should be perfect.

"As punishment, both of you would rebuild the training ground," she said in a voice of authority that wasn't as effective with that creepy smile on her face.

"Baa-chan!" Naruto whined. "That'd take too long!"

"A month, if I'm not mistaken," the Hokage said, waving her hand dismissively. "Next time, think twice before you ruin another training ground."

"B-B-But—!"

"No buts, Naruto," Tsunade said. "Both of you will start rebuilding the training ground tomorrow. Come early tomorrow morning for the details."

Sasuke had no problem about the punishment. If he could ignore his pride enough, he could even say that he was looking forward to it. This would be the first time in years that he and Naruto would work together again.

Naruto was about to open his mouth to complain again when he spoke up. Sasuke didn't want Tsunade to change her mind.

"Gotten so weak you can't plant a tree anymore, dobe?"

Naruto's back straightened as his blue eyes narrowed. Tsunade merely smothered a smile. It was obvious that Uchiha was baiting him to accept the punishment.

"Oh yeah? I can plant more trees than you!"

_Bingo._

Sasuke merely smirked, which further irritated the hotheaded jounin. The Hokage decided to intervene as her mind laughed sadistically. _Perfect._

"I'll be assigning an ANBU to guard the both of you," she continued. Her face was perfectly serious as she looked at Naruto. "Since you know that he is ANBU anyway, I doubt there will be any problem if he oversees this operation."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at the grin that was spreading on Naruto's lips. ANBU the moron knew?

"Sai will be making sure the two of you complete your punishment without any problems," Tsunade said. Her eyes caught a pair of blue. "And when you're done with the punishment, tell me how the story ends. Dismissed."

Sasuke didn't hear what the Hokage said after hearing the name he disliked the most.

"Yatta! Sai's coming!"

The Hokage watched with amused interest as Uchiha Sasuke clenched his fist until it turned a bloodless white. Snickering to herself, she opened a drawer and took out her favorite saucer and a bottle of sake.

This promised to be the most interesting round of all.

* * *

"Naru-sensei-chan!"

"Tomo-tan!"

_Naru-sensei-chan?_

Sasuke frowned as a genin with almost white, blond hair and wide almond-brown eyes latched himself on Naruto's waist. The other ruffled already-tousled flaxen hair as the genin's arms tightened around him, looking up at happy blue eyes with a cheerful smile on his own face.

"Tomo, release Naru-sensei!" a new voice demanded.

"Learn to share, Aki," another voice drawled.

Brown eyes turned watery as Junsui Tomoaki looked at his teammates, his arms still latched on their sensei's waist. "But I missed Naru-sensei-chan..."

The kunoichi of Team 13, Kichou Amaya, glared at the younger blond with her hands on her hips, long black hair in a high ponytail braided at the tips swaying as she neared Naruto and Tomo. Her dark blue eyes were flashing. "And I miss Naru-sensei too! Now move!" she demanded. Tomo meekly stepped away from their sensei's embrace and she happily threw herself at Naruto.

"Naru-sensei! Maya-chan missed you!" she squealed, nuzzling her face on her sensei's hard torso.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched.

"Na, Maya-chan," Naruto said in a light, disapproving voice. "You shouldn't have spoken to Tomo-tan that way. You're teammates, na?"

"Hai," Amaya said, bowing her head slightly. She looked to her left, where Tomo was watching with a mournful expression. "Eto, Tomo-kun..." Tomo looked at her with puppy-brown eyes, and any trace of jealousy disappeared in Amaya's heart. "I'm sorry, okay?"

The youngest member of Team 13 nodded happily. Amaya was like an older sister to him but sometimes she just get into this scary moods. "Un!" he replied.

"But Naru-sensei's still Maya-chan's!" the kunoichi declared, cheekily sticking a tongue out.

"He's not yours," a deep voice intruded with irritation. Amaya and Tomo's head snapped up, finally noticing the dark-haired shinobi standing beside their beloved sensei.

"Who are you?" Amaya asked, annoyed.

"Amaya," their last member said in a tired voice. Mirai Souzou stepped closer to their sensei and raised a fist, which their jounin gamely met halfway.

"Yo sensei, where've you been?" Souzou asked, light green eyes unconcerned yet curious at the same time.

Naruto laughed, causing Amaya to squeal and hug him tighter. "Just an A-rank, but I'm back now," he answered, a big smile on his face that quickly faded. "Oh wait. I have something important to tell you."

He gently pried the kunoichi's arms around him and jerked a thumb on Sasuke's direction. "Team 13, this is Sasuke. Sasuke, these are my kits. Junsui Tomoaki, Kichou Amaya, Mirai Souzou."

"Why's he with you, sensei?" Amaya asked with suspicion. Sasuke's eyes narrowed at the girl. He really disliked girls. Especially bratty girls.

"Ehehe, good question, Maya-chan. Keep it up!" Naruto laughed nervously. At his students' stares, he went on. "Anou, we went sparring yesterday and we sort of got carried away—"

Amaya, Tomoaki, and Souzou were looking up at him expectantly. Naruto tried not to swallow. His genin would kill him, and it had only been a few months since he passed his first genin cell!

And Naruto had never been fonder of them.

Tomo had liked him on sight—but the affectionate blond tended to like anyone on sight, Naruto knew. He latched on him every time they meet, shouting how much he missed Naru-sensei-chan in the 12 hours they hadn't seen each other. What Naruto didn't know was that he was the only person Tomo would pepper with his happy kisses, though. Everyone who saw Tomo around Naruto knew that the only child of Junsui Yuki, children's book author, had a boy-crush on his sensei.

But what Naruto didn't know won't hurt him.

Amaya warmed up to him three days after they officially became a team. He was standing knee-deep on the river as the sun began to set behind him—he was giving a warm, proud smile as he looked down at his tired, hardworking genin. Suddenly Amaya jumped up and hugged him in the middle, squealing "Naru-sensei is so cute!"

Naruto still couldn't fathom what was so cute about a sweaty, slightly drenched shinobi.

Souzou was an obedient kid who respected him as their sensei. He was a quiet boy but not overly-so, and where Tomo was the innocent child and Amaya the temperamental teenager, Souzou was the cool-headed little adult. His drawl was enough to calm Amaya and soothe Tomoaki, and the two teammates looked up to him as their natural leader. One day Souzou just approached Naruto and raised his fist, and Naruto was happy to meet him halfway. Souzou admired his sensei and sometimes his admiration turn into something else, but the young genin understood puberty and knew that this too shall pass.

Naruto had no idea how precious he was to his genin cell.

"And?" Souzou prompted. Their sensei looked up and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. He had spaced out there.

"I won't be able to teach you for a month because I will be rebuilding the Team 7 training ground," Naruto said, his smile twitching.

"_WHAT?_"

"It's not true, ne, sensei-chan? Ne?"

"For a month, sensei? But who will teach us in the meantime?"

Amaya turned to Souzou with a scandalized expression. "How could you ask a question like that? Do you want to get rid of Naru-sensei?"

"Of course not!" the usually collected genin snapped. "I don't like it as much as you two. But I'm sure this is an order of Godaime-sama and we can't do anything about it."

Tomo was already hugging Naruto again as the young man tried to calm him. Sasuke thought with annoyance that this was the dumbest, most idiotic genin team he had ever seen.

"What about us, Naru-sensei?" Amaya cried. Suddenly, her dark blue eyes widened and she pointed at Sasuke. "Don't tell us that he will replace you!" she shrieked.

Sasuke glowered but the distraught kunoichi was too emotional to be afraid. "Naru-sensei, you can't leave us with him! We'll just help you with your punishment! It'd be better than being stuck with—with _him_!"

"Amaya, don't be rude," Souzou said, rolling his eyes. "He looks adequate enough."

_Adequate enough?_

Naruto snickered, seeing steam practically rising out of Sasuke's ears. Yes, Uchiha pride was another good source of killing intent from him. His kits were making the game easier for them—however, they were too young to die so Naruto intervened. "Maa, maa, he's not teaching you! We were the ones sparring, remember? So he's rebuilding the training ground with me. My substitute will be along, he's just always late."

The three sighed, resigned to their fates. Tomo tugged at Naruto's shirt, causing the latter to look down at him.

"Na, Tomo-tan?"

"Will it be Sai-nii?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed.

"Yeah, I think Sai-niisan would be okay," Amaya said in a defeated voice.

He didn't even know that Naruto was a jounin-sensei until today but apparently _Sai_ did?

"I heard my name," a cool, emotionless voice said, coming from the tree on Naruto's far right.

"Sai-nii!" "Sai-niisan!" "Sai-san."

Sai jumped down from the tree he was hiding, a pleasant smile on his lips. "Good morning, Naruto's kits."

"Sai-niisan, will you be our substitute sensei?" Amaya asked as the three genin crowded around him.

"No, Soot," Sai answered. Amaya's hair was the blackest he had ever seen, darker even than his and Uchiha's. No question what he would call her.

"Then why are you here, Sai-nii?" Tomo asked with rounded brown eyes.

"I'm here to guard them," Sai answered, before the smile widened. "Dickless junior."

Tomo didn't know that the nickname was supposed to be insulting—he was just happy to have a nickname similar to his idol. He was more confoundingly innocent than Naruto, though it made him wonder why Amaya would blush whenever she heard that nickname and Souzou would turn away with his ears pink.

"Is it because of the man beside him?" Souzou asked in a skeptical voice.

_I can hear you, brats._

"Hokage-sama's orders," Sai said with his trademark smile. "And no worries, Hermit. Uchiha won't hurt him while I'm around."

It had taken a long time before Souzou grudgingly accepted the name Sai had given him in honor of his ponytailed, snow-white hair. He still didn't like it, of course. Meanwhile, behind them, Sasuke's eyes had narrowed into furious slits.

The bastard just didn't imply what he thought he did!

Sasuke lunged into Sai's directions amidst shrieks from the surprised genin. Powerful murderous intent was rushing their way and Sai stood up from his crouch, a wide smile on his face. Sasuke was rapidly firing a set of hand seals when he was grabbed from behind.

"Don't hurt my kits, bastard!" Naruto hissed, holding Sasuke's arms behind the latter's back. "What's your problem?"

"Stay away from him, Naru-sensei!" Amaya shouted.

Even Tomo was glaring at Sasuke. "I don't like you! Stay away from Naru-sensei-chan!"

"Great. Now my kits hate you, teme," Naruto groaned, his forehead dropping on Sasuke's back. Sasuke twitched at the sudden action. The idiot never had respect for personal space. Especially his.

Souzou was eyeing him suspiciously. "Sai-san, you called him Uchiha. Is he the last Uchiha?"

"So what?" Amaya said, annoyed. "There's no one like Naru-sensei in Konoha!"

Sasuke couldn't control his shiver when he felt the light chuckle behind him before the warmth abruptly disappeared. Naruto stepped beside him and placed an arm around his shoulders.

The three genin _hissed_.

"Kits, kits," Naruto said, raising a free hand to calm his students. "Uchiha Sasuke here is my—"

"NO!" Amaya shrieked. "Don't tell us he's your _boyfriend_!"

Tomo swiftly turned to their jounin-sensei, dark brown eyes watering. "That's not true, ne? Ne, Naru-sensei-chan? Ne?"

Souzou wouldn't speak as he glared with as much dislike as he could at the tall, dark-haired man standing frozen beside Naruto.

Naruto, meanwhile, had lifted a hand to squeeze the ridge of his nose. Seeing Tsunade do this action a lot when he was around her made him do it at certain times. And it brought a bit of relief, strangely enough.

"Kits, where the hell do you get such crazy ideas?" he asked with admirable patience. Seeing the great relief appearing on the three genin's faces irked Sasuke for some reason, while Naruto suddenly thought of scaring his students once more.

No wonder Kakashi-sensei did that to them a lot. Ooh, the power!

He hid a grin. How fun!

"He's my—" Naruto went on, pulling Sasuke closer to him. Before the latter could understand what's happening, Naruto was nuzzling the area between his neck and shoulder, hot moist breath sending shivers down his spine. He didn't hear the horrified gasps of the students or the amused chuckle of the quietly-observing Sai—all his senses were honed on Naruto's lips lightly blowing on his smooth, white neck.

A strong flood of heat rose up his chest, climbing up his neck at a rapid pace.

"—best friend!" Naruto exclaimed, abruptly lifting his head and giving a victory sign to his shocked students. It took a moment for his students to recover before they started screaming. Even Souzou was yelling.

Naruto glanced to his unmoving friend and saw the bright red on usually flawless white cheeks. He slowly removed his arm, backing away as quietly as he could.

_Oh shit Sasuke's mad_, Naruto thought. _Oh wait. We want him mad. But not when my kits are still here!_

The lack of warmth woke Sasuke up from his daze and he hurriedly covered his mortification with ruthlessly cold indifference. He forced his eyes to hone on the blond who was stepping away from him. He wasn't embarrassed. Not at all.

"Look teme, I'm just messing with my kits," Naruto said in a rushed, low voice. "No need to go berserk on me just yet."

A particular shouted remark broke through them.

"I thought Sai-niisan is your best friend, sensei!"

Naruto laughed, turning to Amaya and nodding at Sai's direction. "Anou sa, Sasuke is my _best_ friend. Sai is my _special _friend."

Sasuke froze.

"Special?" Souzou asked, white eyebrows furrowed.

"So he's your boyfriend?" Amaya asked, slightly miffed. Dark blue eyes glanced at the smiling person in question before sighing. "Oh well. If I can't be your girlfriend when I get older, Sai-niisan would be okay, I guess."

Sasuke stiffened, an action that a perceptive and interested Sai noted. Naruto simply groaned. "What is it with forcing me on boyfriends, Maya-chan? I want a _girlfriend_, not a boyfriend."

Amaya squealed as her teammates hang their heads in silent dejection. "Then you'll wait for Maya-chan, sensei?"

Naruto gave a quirky smile. "I'm your sensei."

"And you're just almost five years older than me!" Amaya exclaimed. She was about to tackle their sensei into another hug when a pale hand pulled Naruto away.

"Come on," Sasuke said, impatient. "I'm not here to babysit with you."

"_Babysit?_"

"My substitute is taking too long," Naruto said, trying to placate his best friend and his outraged students. Honestly, he thought Sasuke was acting so immature.

"Oi Sai!" Naruto called. Next to him, Sasuke bristled, the hold on the tan hand that he still hadn't let go tightening. Naruto yelped.

"What, need your _special friend_?" Sasuke spat out.

"The f—shi—cra—hell's _wrong_ with you?" Naruto hissed, remembering not to cuss in front of his students. The three genin had calmed down in favor of watching the strange interaction.

"What is it, dickless friend?"

Naruto pulled his hand from Sasuke's death grip, glaring at the latter as he rubbed the abused wrist. "It's supposed to be _awesome friend_, _special friend_," Naruto said, rolling his eyes. "Or maybe I should really just stick to _retarded_ friend."

Sasuke felt a sudden relief after hearing their interaction. _That_ special friend. The idiot meant differently.

He knew he was acting a bit irrational, but he was an Uchiha and Uchiha were possessive. Even if only with their fucking best friends.

He fought the heat that was desperate to manifest itself, suddenly remembering the sensation of lips ghosting over the juncture between his neck and shoulder.

_Fucking best friend._

"Can you look for him? Maybe he got lost in the highway of life again," Naruto asked, rolling his eyes again.

"Who's our temporary sensei?" Souzou asked.

"My former sensei Hatake Kakashi," Naruto replied, grinning widely. "Me and Sasuke used to be teammates under Kakashi-sensei, then Sai became my teammate too."

A poofing sound and a silver-haired jounin appeared between Naruto and Sai, the older man rubbing his nape as he turned to three stunned genin.

"Sorry I'm late! I got trampled by elephants and I had to admit myself in the hospital for possible fractures. Don't worry, I'll survive," Kakashi ended with his visible one eye curving in the familiar crescent.

"Liar," Naruto said, fondness evident in his tone. He turned to his students. "Kits, this is the famous Copy Nin Hatake Kakashi. Now be good and we'll be off, na?"

Judging from the glazed expressions of his students, Naruto knew that they were impressed to see a living legend in front of them. He chuckled lightly as he tapped his former sensei on the back.

"Take care of my kits, Kaka-sensei. Ja!"

At Kakashi's nod, the three disappeared in separate whirlwind of leaves.

* * *

"Can we take a break now?"

Sasuke ignored the blond whining beside him. He couldn't ignore, however, the other voice that suddenly intruded.

"It's just been 45 minutes, dickless."

"But Saiiiiiiiii," Naruto whined. "We've—"

"Stop whining like a kid, usuratonkachi," Sasuke interrupted with more harshness than necessary. Naruto glared at him and stuck his own tongue out, then stomped to the area where they parked the wheelbarrows loaded with rootballs.

"I'm not a kid!" Naruto yelled as he stomped back. His hands itched to throw the rootballs in his hands on Sasuke's swollen head.

"But your penis gives one the idea that you are," Sai broke in, his voice thoughtful.

"What is it with you and my penis?" Naruto screeched. He suddenly froze at the massive dark aura looming near him, and his blue eyes turned to regard the stoic former Avenger. He felt a slight relief when he realized that the intent to _crush_ wasn't directed at him, but at the self-satisfied ANBU perched on a tree branch.

It seemed that Sai—perceptive and blank Sai who still borrowed reactions from others, the way he borrowed nature with the aid of his canvas and brushes—had noticed as well. "I am merely saddened by the loss of something you never had in the first place, dickless," he said pleasantly. "My apologies for missing the funeral."

The dark aura _spiked_.

"You bastard!" Naruto shrieked. Suddenly he and Sai had their kunai drawn out, appearing at different spots of the ruined training ground as Naruto attacked and Sai defended. "If you'd get your head out of the gutter you'd realize I'm bigger than you could ever be, asshole!"

"I only need a peephole to see your dick completely," Sai returned smoothly. "Gutter is an overstatement."

Naruto regretted the day he taught Sai sarcasm. _Fuck you, Shino!_ he cursed mentally. Who would have known Aburame Shino would want Sai to learn _sarcasm_, of all things?

_Oh yeah. He thought it was hilarious, the bastard,_ Naruto fumed. There wasn't even a smile on the bug boy's face when he said that!

"Fuck you!"

The two jumped from each other as electricity suddenly crackled between them. In front of him, Naruto could see the back of the dark head of one Uchiha Sasuke and a left hand that was still covered in cobalt and ice blue. On the other side, Sai's fake smile was plastered on his face.

Sasuke couldn't believe it. It had angered him when Sai had begun taunting the idiot—_that dick-obsessed prick_—but seeing their verbal spar turn into an actual spar _enraged_ him.

_How dare he fight with Naruto the way I_—

He faltered.

—_the way I did?_

"Geez, teme," Naruto groused behind him. "Be a drama queen, why don't you. We're just messing like me and him always do."

Sasuke flinched. He clenched his jaw when, in front of him, Sai gave a superior smirk. He braced himself when the other dark-haired shinobi opened his mouth.

"Have you seen his dick, Uchiha?"

_He's taunting him_, Naruto thought, surprised. Sai probably knew that Sasuke disliked him with unusual fervor but this was a strange way of using that dislike, in his opinion. How would his _dick _help in prodding the bastard into a murderous rampage? It didn't make any sense to him.

_Besides_, Naruto went on, _the bastard should be coming after me too._ Shaking his head—_we should really go over our strategies_—Naruto looked up.

"What the fuck?"

The ground was now full of craters, a few with smoke curling up from the remnants of Sasuke's katon jutsu. His eyes traveled around, following the path of destruction until his blue eyes landed on the edge of the training ground.

His fists clenched.

Sure, Naruto wanted to complete this round of their game too. But at this rate, fixing the training ground would take longer than a fucking month!

"Teme!"

Sasuke's eyes widened as he suddenly met a pair of burning blue eyes. His stance faltered but he couldn't stop his momentum as his blade sliced down.

And struck the hand that was grasping his shirt.

Naruto's hand.

_Shit._

Naruto instinctively released his hold and cradled the bleeding slash wound with his other hand. Sai immediately whipped out an antiseptic and a roll of bandage—the two were always prepared during game month. Watching the two working quietly, systematically, _familiarly_, Sasuke restrained the shaking of his hand as he placed his katana back in its sheath.

"Don't fuss too much, Sai-kaasan," Naruto taunted, hissing at the sting of antiseptic. "It'd be completely healed later."

But he couldn't restrain the anger that suddenly exploded once again. "Why did you come between us, dobe?" Sasuke spat out.

"So only _you_ can do that?" the younger man snapped back. "Look around you, bastard. You made the training ground look like a fucking pimpled teenager!"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you defending him?"

"What the fuck are you on about?" Naruto exclaimed, exasperated. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. Change tactics. "Look, Sasuke. We should be working together here."

Sasuke was gritting his teeth. "You didn't answer my question."

"Because it's a stupid question!" he shot back, patience immediately gone. "Why would I defend the asshole?"

"I'd hate to interrupt your lovers' spat but we have an audience, you know," an amused voice intruded. Two pairs of eyes glared in the direction of the mocking voice before the blue pair suddenly brightened.

"_RAMEN!_"

"Why are you here?" Sasuke asked, dark eyes still glowering at the silver-haired jounin. "You're supposed to be babysitting."

"KITS!"

"Naru-sensei-chan!"

"Naru-sensei!"

As the two affectionate genin clung to Naruto, Souzou handed the bag of takeout ramen to their sensei. "We thought you might be hungry."

"And we're going to help you!" Tomo chirped.

"Kakashi-sensei said it would be great training!" Amaya added.

Naruto's left eye twitched as he turned to the masked shinobi now reclining on a tree branch, reading his classic once again. "Is that so?"

"WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?" the kunoichi shrieked as she got down to her feet, finally noticing the bandage that wasn't there less than an hour ago.

"Maa, maa, it's nothing," their jounin-sensei waved off, now slurping on a ramen as he sat cross-legged on the ground.

Souzou's green eyes narrowed as he zeroed in on the aloof Uchiha, who had started to walk away. "It was _that _man, wasn't it? It couldn't be Sai-san. He'd never hurt you this way."

Sasuke stiffened.

"It was an accident," Naruto said softly. "Anyway," he paused as he slurped once again. "it takes more than a blade to hurt Uzumaki Naruto!" He flashed his genin a brilliant smile. "So stop getting worked up every time, na, Souzou?" His smile was gentler and the white-haired genin had to turn away to hide the flush on his cheeks. Tomo began to ask why Souzou looked so red and Amaya had to shut him up.

"Oi Sasuke, Sai!" Naruto called out, now on his third ramen. "There's ramen here!"

Sasuke rolled his eyes but went to where Naruto was sitting, anyway. He was still pissed off for reasons he didn't want to delve into right now, but he felt better that he and Naruto weren't biting each other's head off again.

Sai, meanwhile, decided to simply sit on the tree branch above Kakashi and observe. After what he had seen today and the other day, Sai had a pretty good idea of what would make Uchiha Sasuke _explode_. And because he knew that he and Naruto would end up in the hospital by the end of the game, Sai would make sure that he enjoyed himself immensely with every step of the way.

Starting by asking Naruto to bring him a basket of tomatoes next morning.

"Stop drooling over my ramen, dobe."

"How dare you call Naru-sensei a dobe?"

"I don't like you! Stay away from sensei-chan!"

"I'm not drooling, te—chicken head!"

Sai couldn't wait for tomorrow.

* * *

**Notes:**

Hakke Hyakunijuuhachishou

(Eight Divination Signs, One-Hundred and Twenty-Eight Palms of the Hand) Hakke Hyakunijuuhachishou is a Taijutsu technique unique to the Hyuuga bloodline. Hakke Hyakunijuuhachishou is a variation of Hakke Rokujuuyonshou, a technique passed down through the main family line. When an opponent is within the clan members divination field of attack, they can quickly begin their assault. The technique allows the clan member to use the Byakugan eye to make nearly double the normal 126 strikes, striking 254 times against their individual foe or opponents. First the clan member will strike 2 times, then 4, 8, 16, 32, 64 and finally 128 times.

Shugo Hakke Rokujuuyonshou

(Guardian Eight Divination Signs, Sixty-Four Palms of the Hand) Shugo Hakke Rokujuuyonshou is a Taijutsu technique developed by Hyuuga Hinata. During the period after the Chuunin Exam, Hinata pushed herself harder than ever before. During this time she improved her chakra control and developed her own style within the Hyuuga bloodline abilities. She practiced the technique around water to hone it to perfection. Utilizing the Hakke Rokujuuyonshou style, Hinata uses her natural flexibility and her precise chakra control to create an absolute defense. Hinata will emit chakra from her palms and move her arms in sweeping pattern movements to provide a full 360 degree range of protection for her body. This chakra will also be able to cut through most any target which dares penetrate the protective sphere. By expelling a sharper, stronger, and more flexible amount of chakra, she can increase its effectiveness against more massive incoming objects.


	2. Part 2

**The Annoying Game  
**

_by Hic Iacet Mori_

* * *

**Part 2**

It was a fine day in Konohagakure no Sato when its fine loudmouthed hero made his way to an area in the village he rarely went off to—if he ever remembered it at all. It was a useless route to him and he wasn't afraid to announce it loudly to anyone who crossed his path. Over and over again, to the same person if need be. Just to be a pain.

He snorted. It was little payback for the pain he was feeling right now.

He grumbled as he plodded on. Nothing good _ever_ came out of the vegetable areas of the market, but he was Uzumaki Naruto and no vile green matter—or orange or yellow or whatever sick transformation it underwent to hide its _vile_ _vegetability_—would cow him. With dauntlessness unseen in the annals of the Great Shinobi Countries, he endured a couple of hours in the evilest part of Hi no Kuni, selecting produce at the specifications of a fellow shinobi he was ready to throttle at least provocation.

What sucked more than _eating_ any forms of vegetable? _Smelling_ them. Smelling _them_ all around him, smelling_ them _as _they_ clung _their_ disgusting smell on him in a bid to make him a part of_ them _against his will. More so if they weren't really _vegetables_ but _fruits_ living the life of a _vegetable_.

—or so yelled a red-faced old vendor as he expressed hatred of all things vegetable for the thirteenth time in two minutes.

_"Buy already, damn **gaki!** They're not vegetables, they're fruits! **Fruits!**"_

_"You can't fool me, **oyaji!** Why'd they be in the veggie area if they're **fruits?**"_

_"Because idiots like you think they're **vegetables!**"_

Naruto drew in a shocked breath. _Fruits?_

His eyes widened.

_Fruits!_

He gasped.

So even _fruits_ can be double-faced backstabbing bastards, forsaking the life of a fruit to live the life of a vegetable _for greater recognition?_

His fists clenched.

_The fruity bastards!_

He left after much righteous indignation, gripping his basket tightly with his lips set in a firm line. He'd _so _kick the asshole's teeth in. How _dare_ he make the future Hokage even _look_ at betrayal in its _plumpest, juiciest, reddest form?_

"He wants tomatoes, he said. Baskets of tomatoes, he said. As many baskets as I can carry, he said," Naruto muttered, punctuating his words with curses as he turned to the area of the training grounds. "Fucking fruity bastard."

A deep scowl. "That sick pervert. Slave-driver."

A grunt. "He'd pay for everything, right? He said so, right?"

"Perverts are rich. Ero-sennin was loaded." A pause to wipe sweat off tan brows. "That jerk could pay for this. It's like perverts are paid for every dirty comments they make." An even deeper scowl. "Especially if they're damned sick and un-true."

"He better," he growled, "or else I'll hurt him so bad they'd have to give him _ink_ to replace his blood."

"And he can only shit tomato juice," he added with a snicker.

"Or even just the seeds. They're small, na?" A sardonic chuckle. "Like his brain."

"Seedbrain!" he crowed.

A louder yell. "Tomatoshithead!"

"Who," a voice laced with darkness cut in, "are you calling that?"

A chorus of yelps and shouts echoed in the previously-empty Team Seven training ground.

"Teme!" Naruto yelled, an accusing finger pointed at the impassive Uchiha. "Are you _spying_ on me?"

Sasuke scoffed. "Hardly." Before Naruto could blabber more tasteless accusations—or heaven forbid, more utterly uncreative insults—dark eyes looked down in interest. Avid interest. "Where are you bringing all these tomatoes?" he asked casually, gesturing with a tilt of his head. It wasn't everyday he saw Naruto playing market or tomato fan.

"Shut up, teme!"

"They're disgusting! And heavy!"

"None of your business, bastard!"

"Saw Sai anywhere?"

"Just shut up, teme!"

"_Usuratonkachi_," Sasuke growled. "One of you is annoying already. Release. Your._ Kage. Bunshin._"

"You're such a jerk, Sasuke-yarou!" the five Naruto screamed in chorus. Sasuke's eyes twitched, one after the other in tempo to a grating beat—his eyes had never done that before.

He swore he heard his eardrums scream.

All pouting so hard to drill the air around them, four of the Naruto thankfully popped out of existence, leaving the real Naruto with the most childish pout of all. The other four baskets of the plumpest, juiciest, and reddest tomatoes that Sasuke had ever seen softly dropped to the grasses—all free for the taking.

"Don't even think about it," a growl sounded on his right. Sasuke glanced at an irritated moron glaring at him like a previously fluffy sheep suddenly finding itself shorn. He felt the beginnings of a smile lifting up his lips, and he calmly averted his eyes to the farthest basket as he smothered the smile.

"Cravings?" he asked with indifference as his intense eyes swiftly analyzed the tomatoes... _intensely_, finding those he saw enough to make a wild grin break into his face. Well who could blame him for the inclination? These were such _beautiful_ tomatoes, Sasuke was ready to break all Uchiha codes of conduct to break into paeans and exultations for the sweetest ambrosia. Recite ballads and odes for the nectar of the gods. Dance with adoration for the taste of perfection. Craft an exquisite tomato sculpture with his Chidori while doing all three.

... Inwardly, of course.

All good will were replaced with irritation at the moron's next words.

"You can say that," Naruto said, snorting. "The perverted bastard's in the mood for tomatoes and begged me—_me!_—to buy him as many as I can. _'The plumpest, Naruto-kun. The juiciest, Naruto-kun. The reddest, Naruto-kun'_," he mimicked, making his face as blank and whiny as possible in imitation of the artist shinobi. With each word, Sasuke could feel his irritation climbing a rung higher in his suddenly-propped ladder of ire. "The asshole almost didn't let me _sleep!_ Do you know how _perverted_ they sounded when he was _whispering_ those words in my ear? _While I sleep?_"

Sasuke's irritation soared up ten rungs and was now planting a danger-red Uchiha flag from the ladder top.

"And he kept _moaning!_" Naruto continued, working up a furious rant. "_Breathing_ in my ear and shit! Do you know how _unhygienic_ that is? It's like he wants to eat my ear! I swear I felt his _tongue!_" Naruto was unable to see the dark eyes get colder and colder as they struggled to maintain a ruthlessly detached black. He was too busy doing another Sai impersonation. "_Mmhmm, Naruto-**kun**'_," he moaned, putting as much feeling into it as Sai did—as passionate as a hungry child's desire to swallow an enticing plate of nails. "_Let me **taste** it, dickless. Your plumpest, juiciest, reddest... **nghhhh**... to-ma-**toh**, Naruto-**kuuuun.**_"

Sasuke was not-furiously trying to decide which irritated him less—Naruto buying all these heavenly tomatoes for _Sai_ and not _him_, or Sai molesting _Naruto_ for all these heavenly tomatoes. Because it was _molestation_, damn him—Naruto may not see through all that _'I'm a poor emotionless bastard because Danzou is a dick'_ act, but _Sasuke_ sure did. He had the Sharingan—_the Sharingan!_—and he could see through those lies! _And they're all lies!_

And he couldn't decide because he couldn't find a rational thought because he couldn't _think_ because he couldn't _hear_ himself _think_, and it's all because of this noisy moron _whining_ and _cursing _in his poor abused ear still crying for_ justice_ from the previous _torture_.

"Naruto," Sasuke said, his voice controlled lest a smidgen of his not-there-yet-but-_getting_-there anger—he was _irritated_, not _angry_, and it just so happened he was irritated _enough _to snap Sai's spine in a dozen places—leak out and turn the idiot into a wheedling kid, "shut up."

Naruto _did_ shut up, but it was more because of hearing his given name spoken through clenched teeth than anything else. He was used to the bastard's ways of expressing negative emotions and there was a _shitload_ of them, most of them including the gritting out of his name. _Bastard tantrums_, he liked to call them—and Naruto easily classified this as _angry!Sasuke-no-likey-talkey_, the mildest form of angry!Sasuke.

Which didn't make any sense, as far as he was concerned—he was just _whining_, an admittedly daily Naruto-activity, and he expected Sasuke to either scoff a _dobe_ or grunt a _hn_. _Dobe_ because Sasuke would find a sleepless!Naruto—or taken-advantage-of!Naruto—sadistically amusing, or _hn_ because he would find a ranting!Naruto a complete waste of time because he didn't give a damn anyway _so could ranting!Naruto please let the world rest in silence before he forced him to?_

Angry!Sasuke didn't make sense.

Maybe—because it's about _Sai_?

His eyes blinked as a little bit of understanding dawned in his mind.

_Sai!_ The pervert _planned_ this!

He almost shook his head in awe and not a little fond exasperation. Of _course_ he knew that Sasuke _loved _tomatoes—it was a mathematical fact, really, like Sakura-chan said when she described team formations—_"the quiet genius plus the loud idiot plus the hot girl equals a balanced team."_ In their case, they formed a simple equation—_"ramen is to Naruto as tomato is to Sasuke." _So it must be killing the bastard that all of these tomatoes—the _plumpest, juiciest, reddest_ tomatoes—were _not for him!_

And since Sasuke didn't like Sai all that much, and all of these tomatoes were for Sai, Sasuke was _doubly annoyed!_

He snuck a glance at the quiet Uchiha—_quiet_, he scoffed to himself—and almost giggled in glee. Sasuke was _angry!_

And, as if he had timed it all along, Sai entered the ruined training ground, all mask of innocence and cheer. "Uchiha," the ANBU said innocently and cheerfully. His voice was offset by his falsely innocent and cheerful smile.

Sasuke didn't even glance at him, so intent was he to stop himself from drilling his fingers into the older shinobi's heart. He _did _glance, though, and stiffened without his knowledge, when Sai reached out and patted a blond head. His fists longed to close around the asshole's substitute for a _soul._

"Dickless," Sai greeted pleasantly. His smile was noticeably more sincere and affectionate when Naruto beamed back without the usual whining of being treated like a kid. From the bright smile, he deduced that Naruto was happy about something, and because it was _him_ receiving such a response, he deduced that Naruto was happy about something _he_ did.

"I got your tomatoes!" Naruto chirped. He lifted up the basket in his hands and pointed to the others by his feet, beaming with pride. "See? Just the way you like them!"

Sasuke whipped his head to the idiot with disbelief—and not a small amount of annoyance. This was a complete turnaround from the moron's earlier rants. What the hell happened? Why was the loser actually _happy_ to see the retard all of a sudden?

He grunted an out-of-place "Hn."

Sai nodded with satisfaction, eyes on the younger jounin—it seemed Naruto understood what he was trying to do. He had earlier planned on having Naruto buy just a basket, but there was a saying he read in a book last night—_the more, the merrier_—and Sai thought five baskets of tomatoes would make for a merrier game... whatever it meant.

He was still trying to understand how quantity could affect a person's merriment—as far as he recalled, Naruto's _Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_ had yet to significantly increase his merriment or even induce it. A multitude of Naruto equated a barrage of yells and screams and shouts and shrieks, and if that's what merriment was supposed to be like, then no one ought to fault him for preferring—he glanced down at his attire—the _less_ route.

His artistic eye found a multitude of Naruto oddly pleasing, though, something he had wondered about before. The incongruous facial colors? The artless clothing materials? The sheer eye-punishing combination of bright hues and black and tan? He dismissed his wonderings when no answer was forthcoming. Besides, his artistic eye was also pleased by the lean form under the baggy eyesore of orange and black. The fact that Naruto chose to cover it lent his figure a more appealing air too. And the fishnet for an undershirt? Made him all the more interesting...

More so when there's none to cover his body. Except for the lamentable lack of penis, of course.

As Naruto blabbered on and on about his market adventure, emphasizing his trials and tribulations with a vigorous interpretative dance, Sai thought that, on top of asking Nara why more was merrier, he'd also ask the laconic genius what he thought of dickless's fashion taste. And if Nara found it as appealing as he thought it was.

"—so I was, oh hell _no_, o-ya-_ji_, I ain't taking that crappy excuse of a tomato! It even looks ashamed to be in your stall!" Naruto exclaimed, still into his story. "He glared at me and all and I said I want the _plumpest, juiciest_, and _reddest_ out there, because I tell you, after losing sleep over that, there's no way in hell I'll settle for less!"

Sai could feel his mouth twitching into, of all things, a grin. It _had_ been fun bothering Naruto about that request, too—Naruto had been very tired after yesterday's manual labor, forced to pay attention to his task, his kits, and the subtly attention-seeking Uchiha. Well, Naruto hadn't picked up on the subtle hints for attention but Sai had, though it made him wonder how the clueless ninja managed to address it even _subconsciously_. Their interaction had been instructive of the depths of their bond, amazing in that one could address the other's needs without the other vocalizing it.

Sai hoped he could reach that depth of bond with Naruto.

And Uchiha seemed to be a greater attention slut than Sai had initially concluded—if dickless wasn't trying to attack him or scream at him, Uchiha was standing with a sneer as Naruto begged him to do something. All of these were calculated to gather Naruto's attention, Sai thought. And so, with the overly-helpful kits and the number of rootballs needed to bury, Naruto had literally passed out in his own bed with exhaustion—when Sai dropped by his apartment, he was already spread-eagle on his small bed slobbering an ocean on his poor bed.

The window had been left open to let in the autumn wind, cooling the Naruto's normally overheated apartment. The peculiar walrus nightcap had slid down and partially covered Naruto's right eye when he shifted, and a few strands of uncovered gold lifted and fell in time with the wind's gentle motions. His chest rose and fell as saliva dribbled down his chin and sparkled silver under the moonshine, his face shining with a light sheen of oil with his six scars prominent and crude and entrancing. All in all, he looked like a sleeping idiot and yet—

Naruto was beautiful by the moonlight.

Sai almost smiled. It was a strange conclusion, indeed—there was nothing beautiful about dickless at first, or second, or even _third_ glance. However, the more one looked at him, the more apparent his beauty became—all the more because of the light shining within him.

_Naruto-kun just grows on you._

He had deftly whipped up his sketchbook and drew the slumbering shinobi, intent on capturing a piece of this oddly attractive young man. A strange warmth welled up his chest each time he glanced at the figure by the bed, leaving him perplexed and not a little captivated. Naruto had always caught his attention—from the unusual features to the unusual views—but he had never captured Sai's attention as completely and worshipfully as a shinobi, as an artist, as a friend, and as a _person_ as he had last night.

It seemed, Sai thought, that his bond with Naruto had just gone deeper—or maybe it had been all this time, and he just didn't know until then? Because if he wasn't mistaken, what he had felt for Naruto had been nothing short of pure, heartfelt _affection_.

_It must be what Ugly feels_, he thought faintly. Because when he had caught his reflection in Naruto's mirror, his lips held the same smile that Sakura did, that time Naruto "forgot" her birthday and received a wrathful manly beating, thereby giving the others more time to finish the preparations for her surprise birthday party.

Naruto's swollen eyes and toothless smile as she squealed in joy had been oddly beautiful, too.

"—and here they are!" said blond crowed. "The super-best tomatoes of the world at your beck and call, courtesy of the chosen Nanadaime, Uzumaki Naruto-sama! Hohohohoho!"

And so the sudden urge to tease Naruto with an affectionate wake-up call had come naturally. He had read that in Kakashi-san's book; blowing on the person's ear—making sure his breath was moist and hot, of course—and alternately moaning and purring whatever words he wanted to say was guaranteed to wake a person up in an extremely good mood. He observed that the protagonists also made sure to call each other's name —maybe so the listener was certain he was the one addressed? —until the other woke up with a long, tortured groan.

He briefly wondered what was supposed to follow next, though—the succeeding pages were terribly blurred and wrinkled, and some of the pages were stiff the way a paper usually was when liquid was spilled on it and it was left to dry in air. The pages had a slightly pungent scent too. No matter—what he had done had worked, as Naruto gradually woke up groaning in a long and tortured manner.

Sai was pleased that Kakashi-san's book proved to be very helpful. He'd make sure to borrow another.

"Thank you, dickless," Sai said with a pleased smile. He pointed to a surviving tree at a distance. "Bring the baskets over there."

Naruto raised a hand in a salute, a motion he found curious yet adorable. "Aye, aye, Tai—"

"Why don't you bring them yourself?" a deep voice asked coolly.

Sai turned to Uchiha as Naruto blinked. Admittedly, Uchiha Sasuke had been extemely difficult to read the first time they met, even causing him to feel a strange emotion he classified as _fear _prickling his nerves. Since the former Avenger started spending his time around Naruto again, though, Sai had found it easier and easier to read the scant emotions in Uchiha's subtle responses.

He found himself admiring the other man—Uchiha was the closest to perfection for a shinobi, able to contain and conceal his emotions without even a second's notice. However, Sai had been, once, _the_ perfect shinobi, an utterly emotionless weapon of death adapting to suit his wielder's whims. Hence, he could, somewhat, see whatever Uchiha was trying to conceal, especially now that he was understanding the concept of emotions.

Uchiha's voice may have been indifferent but the slight twitch in his fingers attested to the opposite. His features were blank and cold but his eyes flickered with what he classified as minute irritation. Uchiha was truly good with concealing his emotions but Sai was a curious observer—on top of that, he had the help of the person who could break Uchiha's apathetic mask by simply standing around with an admittedly foolish smile.

"Do you mind, dickless?" Sai asked pleasantly with a smile, a smile Sasuke could only classify as smug. He methodically planned the imbecile's death.

Sasuke had caught his replacement studying him a little while ago—it aggravated his already shortened fuse, helped along by how the worthless ninja had been looking at the idiot. The exchange between the two had affected him more than he cared to admit, resonating—a bit _bitterly_ within him.

He had ended up a mere bystander, something that had never happened to him before where Naruto was concerned. While Naruto regaled his morning misadventures to Sai as the latter affected an attentive air, Sasuke could only _ogle_ like a pedestrian. _Ogle_ and _pedestrian_ were words _never _associated with an Uchiha. And as his mind cursed the words to linguistic hell, the more sentimental part of his mind was working as well.

He couldn't stop replaying moments in the past, moments when Naruto tried to yell at his ears as he pretended to ignore him. Moments when Naruto screamed for his attention, his acknowledgment. Moments when Naruto _talked_ to him. Only _him._

_I always listen, dobe_.

It used to be Naruto and _him._

_Even when I don't show it, I always pay attention._

He couldn't show the dobe, though. Everybody knew of his careless disregard of the world in general, and if he started to pay attention to the idiot, everyone would know—especially Itachi. Sasuke could freely admit it to himself now, but he had been scared out of his wits that Itachi would go after Naruto once he learned that the idiot could hold Sasuke's complete attention. If his aniki was ruthless enough to kill his own family, his own kin, his own blood—what more of Naruto? What was stopping him from going after the idiot?

And Itachi did—for an entirely different reason.

Sasuke almost sighed. He was an idiot. And he had become so accustomed to it, pretending not to listen when it was all he could do to stop himself from sitting beside the moron and letting him talk the whole day. He had indulged himself a few times in the past, paying small attention to the moron when the other jabbered on—Naruto's voice wasn't loud when Sasuke showed that he listened, well-pitched and huskier and soothing to his ears. When Naruto talked, Sasuke felt as if he was all that mattered in the dobe's world—as if Naruto's voice was solely meant for Sasuke's ear, as if he was all that Naruto could see. And he liked it, this attention, one received exclusively from this dobe Naruto. It wasn't worshipful, wasn't admiring, wasn't_pressuring_ or _burdening_ or _expecting_—it was completely different from what he had received his entire life.

Now, though... Naruto's attention, this special brand of attention that Sasuke wanted, had transferred to someone else.

He inwardly sighed, an acute sense of loss settling within his chest. It wasn't... really fair, to be replaced like this. Naruto was irreplaceable in Sasuke's life. Why wasn't it the same for him?

"Sounds like you care, teme," Naruto said jokingly. Sasuke turned to him and scoffed. One thing still true of Naruto—the less regard given him, the more he fought for it.

He didn't want Naruto's attention this way. But if it would help—

Naruto rolled his eyes and began to walk away, the basket in his hands. Sai followed behind him sedately, hands on his sides and noticeably without any basket. Sasuke wanted to hit the smug lazy bastard—more so when Sai fell in step beside the idiot and the two spoke in low tones.

Right now, Sasuke would have given his left hand to get X-ray vision for his Sharingan. While he could lip-read, he couldn't lip-read when the people whose lips he wanted to read had their backs turned to him.

"Oi, dickhead," Naruto called Sai in a low voice. "I think you're a genius but you still owe me for the tomatoes." His voice lowered in a growl. "And for my crappy sleep!"

Sai's forehead was slightly wrinkled—Naruto realized he was attempting to do confusion the way normal people did. Again. "I thought you would be pleased," he said in a mild voice.

Naruto found he was too sleep-deprived to analyze where the fuck Sai could possibly get that stupid idea. He settled for grunting instead. "Yare, yare, just don't do it again. Seriously."

Sai nodded slowly, not understanding but agreeing. "Okay."

They reached the tree where Sai planned to stand watch again. Naruto gave a little smile. "Bastard seems to be really angry. Just too stuck-up to admit it, che. Whatcha planning with all these tomatoes, anyways?"

Sai, in the rare times he ever did, smirked.

Whatever it meant, Naruto liked it.

* * *

_Squish!_

Sasuke flinched for the fifty-sixth time.

"I went through morning hell for this?"

_Vengeance is mine._

"You're a heartless pervert, you heartless pervert!"

_I will repay._

Sai looked down from the tree with an amiable smile. He reached for another tomato—_squish!_—and Sasuke violently twitched. Naruto looked ready to breathe fire when tomato juice dripped down Sai's ash-pale fist for the fortieth time to land on a bottle of ink.

A bottle of ink currently sporting chunks of tomato bits and juices.

"Even traitors don't deserve that kind of evil and disrespect!" Naruto screeched on. "Tomatoes are just probably bipolar anyway, so who're you to judge them and drown them in your pervy ink?"

"Dickless, this is an experiment," Sai explained in a mild tone for the third time in an hour. "I wish to try tomato as an art medium."

"Sensei-chan, what's _bipolar?_" Naruto's youngest student asked. Kichou Amaya immediately shushed him while muttering a brief explanation of the word in simpler terms. Sasuke heard the words _manic, depressive, opposite, poles_, and _last Uchiha_, which had Junsui Tomoaki nodding slowly while expressing his awe at his teammate's superior intellect.

Sasuke twitched again.

"So Uchiha-san is really a tomato?" Tomo concluded with brown eyes wide in innocent fascination. He had never seen a bipolar tomato man before! His eyes widened further in sudden clarity. "So that's why he looks so angry at Sai-niichan!"

_I. am. **not.** angry. damn. **brat.**_

He tried and failed to suppress another twitch.

"Sai-niichan, Tomato-san is mad at you!"

Again.

Mirai Souzou stifled a sigh. Amaya nodded somberly while not-giggling. Naruto coughed to cover the snicker Sasuke could hear just fine, thank you damned much.

His twitching was becoming more vicious and obvious.

"Naru-sensei-chan, how did you meet Tomato-san?" Tomo asked earnestly. Naruto bit on his bottom lip as he grappled for his serious!sensei face. He figured he would have to sit down with Tomo's papa sometime soon—seriously, Yuki should stop with the bedtime stories already. His son never thought twice about believing fantastic stories—the more fantastic, the more believable, in Tomoaki's orange-tinted world—especially if it was Amaya who told them.

Or maybe he should have a really serious talk with Tomo—like warning his cute genin that Amaya enjoyed teasing him?

"Tomo-tan," Naruto started, still biting down a smile, "Sasuke's not a tomato." _Just a pricky bastard who loves it so disgustingly much for someone incapable of love_, he inwardly corrected. He gave Amaya a considering sidelong glance. The kunoichi shook her head with a sheepish smile.

"Okay, sensei-chan!" Tomo sang. Hearing another _squish!_ he cocked his head to the side. "Why is Sai-niichan squeezing tomatoes?"

_Why the fuck indeed?_ Sasuke seethed.

In response, Sai jumped down. He swiftly drew out his brush and sketchpad and began drawing with impressive celerity. The three genin watched, awestruck, as the pale hand moved almost unseen over the open sketchpad and the tomato-ink bottle, finishing with a flourish that had the three clapping their hands with eyes wide open. The ANBU tore off the page and lifted it up for Naruto's kits to see.

"Sugoi!" Amaya gushed, her cheeks pink and her eyes bright with feverish gleam. Beside her, Souzou was blushing with ill-concealed approval in his eyes as he studied Sai's creation.

Tomo, meanwhile, couldn't stop clapping his chubby hands. "Yokatta!" he cheered. "Naru-sensei-chan looks so strong and pretty! Sensei-chan, sensei-chan, look at what Sai-niichan made! But what is sensei-chan holding, Sai-niichan?"

Amaya nodded at Tomo's question. Souzou tilted his head, white hair falling to the side as he peered closer to the drawing. "Hmm, Tomo-kun's right," Amaya murmured, dark eyebrows screwing close together. "What's this? Maybe sensei knows?"

"Sensei-chan, come see!"

Naruto nodded eagerly. "Okay, I will." The wariness in blue eyes was apparent to Sasuke, though. Naruto stopped shoveling to go where his idiotic brats stood in a huddle, crowding around the talentless shinobi's latest work of crap.

Sasuke quietly dropped the rootballs in his hands and cautiously edged behind the moron. He wasn't curious—he just wanted to see where all the blood of those innocent tomatoes had gone off to. Sasuke could hear them crying out for justice that he, as an Avenger, must deliver.

A blood-curdling shriek echoed in the grounds.

"SAI YOU AS—**_JERK!_**" Naruto screeched.

"Didn't you like it, dickless?" Sai asked, curious.

Naruto's face was redder than the tomatoes he had brought. "_ARE YOU FU_—**_INSANE_**_?_"

Sasuke's brows furrowed. Naruto started on his furious tirade punctuated by wild gesticulations resembling attempted homicide, his genin cell conveniently ushered away by a very tardy Kakashi and his talking ninken, Pakkun. He peeked behind the idiot's shoulder, trying to see the piece of paper that had the immature loser's temper skyrocketing to a new hi—

His blood froze.

In reddish-orangeish-blackish ink, Uzumaki Naruto stood in half-naked glory, cloth—_silk_, his detached mind offered dully—sliding diagonally down his chest and strategically covering—some body parts. Naruto's face was slightly turned away, smoky eyes sliding down to seduce whoever was ogling—the drawing. Swollen lips parted—suggestively, looked ready to swallow an object his left hand was carrying—

—a dildo.

Oh, but it wasn't really the dildo that was pissing Sasuke off. It wasn't even the provocative look of this—_Naruto_ as he showed the promise of a—deep swallow. The level of detail of the Naruto's still-unseen—Sasuke had yet to _see_ them but he _wasn't_ in a hurry to see them, nor was he even _looking forward_ to _seeing_ them—pecs, biceps, and abs was nowhere near irritating him, either. Hell, these things didn't affect Sasuke at all. Art is art, or so they say, and he had to respect that.

No, it was the knowledge that all those tomatoes bled for such a sick and fucked-up shitty perverted son of a motherfucking drawing of his best friend that was royally pissing Uchiha Sasuke the bloody hell _off_.

_"Katon: Housenka no Jutsu!"_

"WHAT THE _FUCK?_"

Sasuke didn't feel forming the hand seals, or placing his hand before his mouth, or blowing the hottest fire that had ever been summoned by any Uchiha, dead or alive—he didn't feel any of these but he _did_ feel grimly satisfied when the charred remains of Sai's art floated down to the grasses amidst shrieks of _bastard!_ and _asshole!_ and _are you trying to fucking burn me? _in his ears.

"A simple _'I dislike it'_ would have sufficed, Uchiha," Sai remarked with a false smile.

Sasuke gave the asshole a smoldering glare hotter than the flames of his jutsu. Naruto squawked around as he stomped on the remnants of paper with stubborn tongues of fire. Sai's fake smile grew.

"I dislike it," Sasuke said coolly. He swiftly turned around and walked off—completely unaware of Naruto and Sai smirking at each other.

"Told ya he'll hate it," Naruto mouthed. He just _knew_ that using tomatoes for ink would piss Sasuke off, he just _knew_ it! He drew nearer, this time to harshly pull Sai closer to him with his blue eyes flashing. "Though getting me mad isn't part of the plan, you dick," he growled on a pale ear.

Sai nodded in return and Naruto released him. The ANBU jumped back to his tree, Naruto following behind the steaming Uchiha as he wailed his best friend's name. He watched Naruto throw accusations of _attempted arson on a loyal friend!_ and _pyromaniac of the third degree!_ to the coldly silent genius, who twitched with every reminder of the burned drawing.

Oh did Sai know Uchiha would hate it—but not in the way Naruto thought.

Had he been Uchiha, he would have burned his own drawing too, Sai acknowledged to himself. Even thinking of someone else drawing dickless that way did not sit right with him now—bonds, Sai realized, can make someone more possessive than he was. Or maybe more involved than he wanted to be, more affected than he wanted to admit to himself—like Uchiha.

He knew that Naruto and Uchiha's bonds ran deeper than Naruto and his, though Sai wondered why it felt as if there was something else behind the bond between the two.

And why it was making his nerves prickle in a way that he classed as _anxiety_.

* * *

Lunch break had never been such a disgustingly cheesy affair.

"Open your mouth, sensei!" Amaya sang, her hand holding a tempura lounging between porcelain chopsticks. Naruto happily complied as Sasuke twitched again.

But then, it had been three days since Naruto brought those baskets of the gods and things had been getting cheesier and more disgusting.

"Here, sensei-chan! Papa made takoyaki and I helped him!" Tomo happily announced, waving a boat of takoyaki before his joyfully chewing sun god. "I'm studying how to make ramen too!"

"Really?" Naruto asked, blue eyes shining. "I can't wait to taste your ramen! And wow, takoyaki! Thank you!" He opened his mouth as Tomo drew closer on his knees, pushing the food into the older blond's waiting mouth.

Sasuke wanted to kick that mouth shut.

"I bought your favorite ramen, sensei," Souzou quietly said. Naruto cried tears of joy as Souzou handed him a styrofoam of piping-hot miso ramen. "Ayame-san added two extra naruto and said she hoped to see you tonight."

"Thanks, Souzou!" Naruto exclaimed. Dark eyes noted how the self-assured genin shyly turned away with a little smile. He crossed his arms over his chest, unconscious of his clenched fists. That kid was bad news. What kind of kid used a person's weakness against him?

"Mou, I wish my own team would feed me like this," Kakashi commented from his perch on a tree branch, an eye watching the tableau with amusement. He covered another giggle when an excited Tomo forced another takoyaki on his sensei—Naruto laughingly taking it—and Sasuke twitched.

Another dozen more and he would declare the last Uchiha an epileptic.

Kakashi felt an intense wash of cold killing intent when Sai jumped down from his favorite tree and handed Naruto a big red tomato. Sai bit on the tomato in his other hand, making inappropriate moaning sounds to appropriately express his satisfaction.

Sasuke twitched.

_One down, eleven more to go_, Kakashi thought gleefully.

"Here, dickless," Sai offered as he sat down beside Naruto—which, to Sasuke's point of view, meant wedging his unwanted asshole self between Naruto and him. Sasuke pressed all his force down on his lower body—no way in hell would he move to make way for this seat-stealing moron. Even if he had to drill his ass on it.

"Oi teme, move over," Naruto said from Sai's other side. "Sai's not comfy."

_Exactly_. "Hn," Sasuke grunted indifferently. He flinched at a particularly loud crunch. And a particularly low moan.

He hated, _hated_ that lowlife.

Naruto rolled his eyes, finally taking the proffered tomato from the ash-pale hand. "What a hog," he muttered, scuttling closer to his closest student, Souzou, to make way for Sai.

"No need to move, Naruto-kun," Sai said. Before the blond could ask why, the ANBU gave a pleasant smile, stood up, turned around, walked behind the seated blond, and sat down. He leaned back on Naruto who, without even a second thought, leaned back as well.

He observed Uchiha watching them from the corner of his eyes. Sai felt a strange sense of satisfaction at seeing Uchiha's surprised look not completely hidden from his sight. He felt the temptation to smile at the way the eyes grew darker when Naruto casually passed him a bowl of ramen without even turning to look back. There was another emotion in the observing dark eyes, though, something that Sai couldn't quite understand.

"I hate tomatoes," Naruto mumbled as he took a bite of the plump red fruit, grimacing in blatant dislike. He scrunched his face, swallowed, and bit again. "I really, really hate tomatoes. Fruity bastards."

Sai, looking at a point in the sky, passed another tomato over Naruto's shoulder. Naruto took it without being prompted and then passed him Amaya's bento without looking. With a string of muttered curses, Naruto pouted and took a great bite of the new tomato.

"I really, really, _really_ hate tomatoes."

_Then why are you eating them?_

Sasuke demolished his onigiri with a calmness that interested Kakashi. The former sensei of Team Seven knew that his prodigal was unhappy with Sai and Naruto's interaction—Kakashi was almost tempted to tease Sasuke about being replaced in his best friend's life by his _replacement_ from Root, but Sasuke wasn't above hitting below the belt and he valued his life and his manhood. It was amusing to watch Sasuke pretend not to care, too—however, it seemed the last Uchiha had become severely affected by the closeness that Sai and Naruto just demonstrated. Sasuke was calm, _too_ calm—after his eyes flashed with dejection.

Kakashi shook his head. It was time Sasuke realized that Naruto's world didn't revolve around him alone anymore.

From his periphery, said Uchiha saw Sai pass another tomato to Naruto, who took it without pausing from his conversation with a gushing Amaya. He bit down harder on his last onigiri. Logically, he shouldn't, really, be getting affected by the casual closeness between the two—Sasuke had been gone for four years and he had ignored Naruto after his return. Technically, Sai personally knew Naruto far longer than he himself did, and they were bound to become close friends after going on missions after missions—they had risked life and limb for each other and that tended to inspire closeness. This they had been doing since Naruto's return from his training with the Gama Sennin, since they had become teammates - which was more or less three years ago.

Sai was ahead of Sasuke.

His only claim was that he had known the dobe first. That it was him who first acknowledged Naruto as an equal, as a person, as a friend. As his closest friend.

_He was mine first,_ he wanted to say. _I knew Naruto first._

Emotionally—it hurt far deeper than he thought it would. It wasn't even about tomatoes anymore—okay, to a degree it was, because why the hell was Naruto eating tomatoes if he hated them unless it's because Sai _wanted_ him to eat it and he wanted to please the pervert and why the hell would he want to please the pervert when _Sasuke_ couldn't even get him to touch a tomato?

He mentally inhaled, inwardly breathless from his last thought. So maybe it was because the few times he and Naruto had been around tomatoes, Sasuke had promptly snatched them before the idiot could even notice, but that wasn't the point—the point was, what hold did Sai had over Naruto that he could get the idiot to buy tomatoes for him and even _eat_ them?

And should they be that shamelessly chummy before the impressionable genin and _obvious _that they had been shamelessly chummy before? What business did they have sitting back to back and passing each other food without even a second thought, like they're a couple who knew instinctively what the other wanted and needed? Did they know the message they were sending to these brats _(he didn't give a damn about and wouldn't think twice to sacrifice to Orochimaru)_? Didn't they realize they look like—_best friends?_ Even_ lovers?_

Sasuke felt queasy to the point of throwing up. The idea of Sai and Naruto as lovers was physically sickening.

_... Ew._

"You look green," Naruto commented cheerfully. Sasuke would have happily thrown up on the idiot if he hadn't picked up the hidden concern. Expressing outright concern over the other was never their way—the rare times they had to, it was done grudgingly, as if they'd rather slit their own wrists than do so. Or maybe it was just him who'd rather slit his own wrist.

"What, your fragile stomach can't take labor, bi-shou-_nen_?"

At the back of his mind, he knew that Naruto cared. Moreover, Sasuke cared _back._

_Pretty boy?_

And then some.

_You think I'm pretty?_

Sasuke turned away, his hair hiding his oddly warm face. He decided he wouldn't decide if he was angry at being called such a stupid name or embarrassed at thinking of such a stupid question.

"Tch. Usuratonkachi."

Tomo jumped up, a small bundle of furious whirlwind that Naruto found really cute. "Why're you calling sensei-chan a _thin hammer_? Naruto-sensei-chan is _Yamato Nadeshiko_! Papa said so!"

Naruto laughed weakly, waving his hands in negation as both Sasuke and Sai inwardly agreed without their conscious consent. "Anou, Tomo-kun... _Yamato Nadeshiko_ is an ideal woman—it's for _girls_." At least, that's what he knew. "Like... remember _Hinata-sensei?_ Hinata-sensei _is_ Yamato Nadeshiko."

At the frown of intense thought, the blond jounin-sensei continued, using his hands for emphasis. "Long dark hair? Freaky eyes? Red face?" With still no recognition, he plodded on, "Hot body?"

Sasuke and Sai blinked. _Hot... body?_

Tomo shook his head and Naruto stood up. Kakashi watched covertly, more interested with the drama unfolding before his eyes than in his book right now. He hadn't missed those suspicious blinks.

_Hee._

The blond took position and with a handseal—

_"Henge!"_

—Hyuuga Hinata stood in all her curvaceous glory.

"Ah, Camera-neechan!" Tomo exclaimed. Amaya and Souzou tilted their heads in curiosity at this strange nickname, which their sensei voiced.

"... Camera... neechan?"

"Un," Tomo affirmed, nodding his blond head and making picture-taking motions. "Camera-neechan is Yamato Nadeshiko? Can she cook and bake and clean and sew and knit and wash clothes and fold clothes and budget and do a lot of house things like Papa said Yamato Nadeshiko does, sensei-chan?"

Naruto scratched his dark head thoughtfully, a hand resting on the soft swell of a hip. Sasuke found it quite surreal—surreally _annoying_, seeing Hyuuga Hinata do a very Naruto action. _When is he releasing that henge?_ Sasuke thought irritably. What, he finds her body _too hot_ to let go?

"I'm not really sure," Naruto admitted. Really, he wasn't. Besides, Hinata was the Hyuuga heiress—he didn't see how Hinata would be forced to learn things like that, with all their servants running around ready to do her least wish. Well maybe she needed to learn them, he conceded. Far as he remembered, Neji mentioned that a Hyuuga lady needed to know the mechanics of being a wife, though the servants would end up doing the traditional wife's job, them being house chores. There were a lot of Branch house members and majority was employed as the few Main house members' servants—these servants were trained to do those works.

And there was a huge-ass load of servants in the Hyuuga Main house, Naruto remembered. Steali—_Silently borrowing_ that photo album from Hinata's secret vault inside her secret room under her secret training room in the heavily-guarded forest behind the Hyuuga compound was made all the harder by the all-seeing eyes of those freaky-eyed servants flitting around like flies during summers inside his apartment—and that was saying a lot. Three weeks of the most intense reconnaissance Naruto had ever done paid off when they managed to ste—_silently borrow_ that album.

_"Oiroke no Jutsu! Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"_

After blinding all the Hyuuga servants with the most amusing jutsu combination Sai said he had ever formed.

So maybe transforming into an Oiroke version of Hyuuga Hiashi, and then flooding the northern area of the compound with hundreds of Oiroke!Hiashi was a bit... out of hand, as Sai had cheerily pointed out—but it wasn't his fault that all those servants in Byakugan mode could still see through their shuttered eyes and their clawing hands. What mattered was getting their hands on that album to annoy Hinata, and they succeeded!

Byakugan's not all that, anyway. It's just great for peeping, Naruto thought. Besides, the Head of the Clan and his advisors were away that day—and judging from the fact that he and Sai were still alive to remember that day, none of the servants had told the Head of the Clan himself. They had been weirdly quiet about it. Even Hinata, who had arrived late, didn't know about it.

Hell, some of the servants he bumped into wouldn't even _look_ at him!

"—ings, na, sensei-chan?"

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

Big brown eyes were looking up at him in worship. "But you can do all those things, na, sensei-chan?"

Naruto thought back. Can he cook? Yes, but there's no one else to cook for aside from himself, so he hardly bothered—though things had been changing lately. Can he bake? Well, Iruka-sensei taught him to bake cakes for the academy cake sale two years ago to raise funds for new toy weapon sets for the preschoolers, and he liked to give Sakura-chan his homemade cookies once in a while when she kissed him for it once on the cheek.

He can sew—since he was four, in fact, so he didn't have to buy new clothes unless there's no other way. He learned to knit from Ino a year ago, after she commented that his scarf was ratty and ugly and old and she offered to knit him a new and fashionable one for the holidays. After seeing a ball of neon pink yarn in her hand, he had begged her to teach him instead.

He had been washing and folding his own clothes since he was three because the landlady wouldn't let him use the laundry room. The landlady had since a change of heart, offering even to do those chores for him, but he had gotten used to doing them and he had declined as graciously as he could. Besides, seeing her climb the stairs was already paining him.

As for the house things—he had been living in his own apartment since he was three. There's no one else to keep house for him but himself, so he learned to do that too. Besides, he disliked seeing Sandaime-jiji stoop down to pick up his clothes when the old man visited—it was embarrassing and it looked painful for the old Hokage, so Naruto learned to pick up after himself.

Budgeting? Not a problem. Naruto wouldn't have been able to keep his apartment for years if he didn't know how to. After falling madly in love with Ichiraku ramen, Naruto learned to keep track of his expenses so he would have enough for a bowl of Ichiraku ramen and some cup ramen. Cup ramen wasn't much of a problem when he was ten though, because someone started leaving a box of cup ramen on his doorstep once a week. Sadly, it stopped when he was thirteen but by then, he had enough to buy a box by himself.

Though someone's been leaving him a box every week once again—

Also, he preferred to wheedle someone else to buy Ichiraku ramen for him so he could save money to buy important things, like a bed to replace his broken one or a wrench to fix his faucet. So the house things weren't a problem, either.

His head spun at his conclusion. Maybe Tomo's right—he _was_ Yamato Nadeshiko. But she's a girl!

Naruto frowned.

—_Isn't she?_

"Dickless can do all those things, dickless junior," Sai replied in his stead. Naruto didn't have to see him to know there was an evil smile somewhere in his black heart. "He even sings."

Naruto accidentally elbowed him sharply. Destiny made him hit the spine.

"In the bathroom," Sai added helpfully.

Naruto not-so-accidentally reached back and squeezed somewhere he remembered Sakura-chan saying where the kidneys were located. He hoped he crushed those kidneys and Sai died of poisoning from all the shit floating inside him.

"He mimics the melody and harmony parts of a song with different voices as well." Sai then turned around to address the enthralled squad of genin, his dark eyes purposefully catching Sasuke's unreadable ones. "Sometimes, dickless likes to stand before his mirror and use his toothbrush as a microphone."

"Break's over!" Naruto announced quickly, standing up and accidentally kicking Sai in the back as his hand accidentally punched the pale face in his eagerness. "Off you go, kits!"

The three genin, caught unawares but not wanting to disobey their commander, made short work of the impromptu picnic and cleared the dishes. A moment later and the grasses were empty of all evidence of lunch. Naruto gathered and led them to the reclining Kakashi with a pointed stare.

"He wants you to take them away so he can kill the pale one," Pakkun said lazily as they approached the tree.

"Which one?" Kakashi asked with disinterest.

"The insensitive one."

He turned a page—he loved the next dialogues. "Which one?"

"Oi, sensei," Naruto called from below. Kakashi waved a hand away and Naruto nodded, bidding a cheerful "Ja, kits!" and leaving the three genin to him. Without taking his eye off his book, he pointed to a general direction on his right and, in the blink of an eye, disappeared.

Pakkun would tell them what to do.

Naruto paused to make sure Kakashi-sensei was taking his squad. When his kits disappeared, he turned around in a running jump and swiftly throttled Sai to the ground.

"You asswipe!" Naruto yelled, his cheeks red with anger as he strangled the smiling bastard. "Why'd you bring those things up, you evil jerk? I'm not the one you're s'posed to drive against the wall!"

"Drive against the wall," Sai repeated to himself as his head was jerked back and forth. His mind clicked after another round of brain-jarring. Ah, an idiom.

"Is it wrong to tell a fact about you?" he asked, brows slightly creased. A particularly harsh throttling made him wince—seeing Naruto's fierce expression on Hinata's face reminded him of the one time the Hyuuga heiress struck him with unadulterated fear.

Sasuke, meanwhile, had returned to planting. He was in no mood to see Hinata!Naruto duking it out with the pervert. Not after learning just how close the dobe and the asshole really were—he hadn't even been inside Naruto's house before! But Sai—Sai had even _listened_ to Naruto sing in the bathroom? Had even seen Naruto _sing_ with a toothbrush as a microphone?

Not that he wanted to see it!

... That much.

The most he had been was outside the loser's door, and half of the time they were to tell the dobe that Kakashi canceled training for the next day.

"You're still in henge, Naruto-kun," he heard the oily voice say. Despite himself, Sasuke felt his dark eyes slide to his right and noted the moron's surprised reaction. Naruto sat up, pushing his weight down on Sai's lap, and promptly canceled the henge.

Sasuke's blood suddenly boiled.

"No excuses this time!" Naruto yelled, back in his body and back to strangling the idiot below him. "Wha—_Wha!_"

It was suddenly light and Sai understood why—dangling inches above him was a stunned blond held up by a thunder cloud of a dark-haired man. Said thunder cloud of a dark-haired man flashed Sai a dark glare before flinging said stunned blond to the nearest uprooted tree like a bundle of trash.

Naruto crashed into the nearest uprooted tree like a bundle of trash.

"Uchiha," Sai greeted pleasantly, standing up and patting his clothes off the grasses that had clung to him. His lips curved in a smile. "It appears you care for your _replacement _after all."

Sasuke's eyes narrowed at the irritating smile, not missing the emphasis. His hands clenched and unclenched on his sides, yearning to close around the windpipe of the older ninja. He was severely tempted to finish what the moron failed to do. Sai had no business... _no business_ lying down while Naruto—

He swiftly turned around and caught a furious punch.

"Why'd you fucking throw me like that, you _bastard?_" Naruto yelled, punctuating his words with his fists. "What crawled up yours? Answer me, dammit!" He growled when Sasuke dodged all his punches. If he couldn't land a punch, he'd kick the bastard until he apologized!

"Not my fault you didn't sense me," Sasuke replied matter-of-factly, inwardly smirking in victory.

"I was trying to kill the asshole! What, you're _friends_ now and you have to save him?"

"Che. You're wasting time," Sasuke scoffed, sniffing in disdain at a blocked roundhouse kick before jumping up to evade a sweeping one. "If you have time to _straddle_ then you have time to plant more trees, _usuratonkachi_."

"Teme!"

_So who's fighting the idiot now?_ Sasuke asked smugly, dodging a flurry of angry punches and kicks this time. He flipped back to create more distance between him and Naruto, who was becoming more determined to land a hit. He blinked when Naruto vanished from his sight, and it was only instinct—the same instinct that used to tell him when Naruto was in trouble—that he managed to catch Naruto's right ankle with his right hand and stopped a potential hit to his side.

Sasuke tightened his grip, refusing to relinquish his hold. Naruto raised his left leg for a front kick to his stomach. Sasuke's left hand crossed down and caught the left ankle as well.

"Why'd you keep catching my legs?"

Sasuke thought Naruto was entirely too childish. His raised eyebrow said so.

Naruto pouted, his crossed legs held up by the bastard. What a bastard. The position was very uncomfortable and he tried to shift to a more comfortable one to no avail. He could feel blood rushing down to his face—_stupid stupid gravity_—and the smug asshole wasn't letting go. He attempted to twist his ankles but Sasuke's grip tightened.

Bastard.

"Let go, teme," Naruto finally grumbled, irritated that he had to resort to asking. "See how you like your balls squeezed. Ass."

"Hn," Sasuke grunted, smirking at the annoyed blond—before freezing as the words registered in his mind.

_Oh._

A mental hand appeared and squeezed his... mind.

_My._

His mouth dried.

_Hnnnnnnnnnnnnn..._

His grip loosening, his dark eyes widened as he looked down, _really_ looked down, at the pouting blond he held by the ankles. He only had to change which hand held which ankle - he could do that in a second—spread the dobe's ankles apart—he could do that in a heartbeat—lift up those thighs—he could do that without thought—and ram his—_Kusanagi _at the smirking perverted retard from the tree branch drawing something perverted created by his extremely perverted mind.

That bastard!

Naruto took the chance, forcing his ankles to spread apart until the hold completely loosened, his legs landing ungracefully back to terra firma. He failed to see the unhealthy splash of red covered by the fringes of Sasuke's dark hair.

"Fucking bastard," Naruto grumbled as he gingerly stood up, wincing as pain traveled down his legs from blood rushing back where they were supposed to be. "I think you're just jea—_Ack!_"

Sai smiled pleasantly as Naruto coughed and sputtered. Sasuke shot him a dirty look.

"Back to work, dickless," the ANBU announced when Naruto finally spat out the cherry tomato. He hadn't even thought of resisting the urge to throw it at Naruto's open mouth. Besides, weren't close friends supposed to do things like this?

Well, the male friend in Kakashi-san's book used that curious object the female friend called a dildo instead of a tomato. He figured it didn't matter, however. Though Naruto might have preferred it if Sai had been cupping the back of his head and pushing it up and down?

Sai's brows furrowed at a peculiar sensation, not hearing Naruto's yells as he was forcibly dragged by Uchiha. He looked down at his exposed stomach.

Strange. Something—liquid-hot, was coiling in his belly and eating tomatoes had never done that to him before.

He went back to his latest sketch of his friend. Ugly's station had a cabinet full of laxatives and he'd simply ask for one. This time, he would make sure not to ask if her assigned station was a reflection of her frequent daily activities.

* * *

"We're in for a long haul, y'know," Naruto mumbled in between slurps of ramen. He put down the empty bowl and Ayame, the Ichiraku waitress, promptly replaced it with a full one. Naruto smiled gratefully and immediately dug in.

Sai sipped on his tea, his head tilted down to listen to his vertically-challenged friend, his mind attempting to think of a haul long enough for them to be inside of. He nodded as the word _idiom _came into his mind, and he nodded once more to express his agreement. It was Naruto who knew quite a lot about Uchiha, after all.

_"Sasuke-teme, see, doesn't like showing what he feels," _Naruto had said after drawing Uchiha's name. _"It's the same with anger or other shit he feels like that. The only times he was happy to show them was when he showed how much he hated Itachi."_

_"Hmm."_

He went on, _"He's always been stupid like that. Believe it or not, he's actually got a worse temper than me. The thing is, I let it out. He doesn't because he pretends that what's making him angry is not there or something. Really stupid, huh? Like ignoring something makes it go away. Psh."_

Sai nodded. _"Like you."_

_"Yeah, lik_—_Hey! Whatcha mean by that?" _Naruto scowled when Sai blinked in confusion. He rolled his eyes. _"Anyway, Sasuke's usually okay with handling small things that piss him off. Like I said, he ignores it, but sometimes, he actually notices and just controls his anger because he thinks he's cool and shit. But when little things pile up and he notices that his control's slipping, he gets seriously pissed off. Like **Kirin** pissed off."_ He grinned. _"The bastard's a control freak who hates losing it. So when he loses it, he **loses** it."_

Ignoring Sai's puzzled stare, he gave a victory sign. _"So for our operation? We do all the small things that drive him crazy until it gets big enough to electrocute our asses!"_

_"Do you like asses to compensate for your lack of penis?"_

It had been two weeks since the start of the operation and since then, a day hadn't gone by when Naruto didn't blow up and Sasuke gritted his teeth with fast-deteriorating coolness. The first step, the baskets of tomatoes, had ran out on the first week with Uchiha not even having a touch or taste, forced to watch in rising—according to a gleeful dickless—_hatred _and _agony_ as they were:

_One._ used as ink;

_Two._ eaten by Sai;

_Three_. forcibly eaten by Naruto;

_Four._ used as kunai targets on the two days Kakashi-san was on a mission and left the kits back to dickless;

_Five._ used as _close-friend throw-things_ in lieu of a dildo whenever Naruto opened his mouth too much and he was in the mood to strengthen their bond. He had earlier asked Kakashi-san where he could purchase a dildo, but when Kakashi-san asked why and he answered, the Copy Nin laughed so hard that Yamato-taichou struck the jounin with a Mokuton jutsu after yelling _"Kai! Kai! Dammit Kakashi **Kai!**" _and nothing happened.

Sai didn't understand why;

_Six._ thrown on Kakashi-san by a red-faced dickless after he showed an Icha Icha art to Souzou and the frail genin fainted. Sai was still trying to understand how Hermit's fainting spell was connected with the art and why dickless was mad about said art in the first place. Personally, he found the worm's eyeview of a vagina hovering over a penis not all that interesting enough to feel furious about—unless Naruto was mad about the exaggeration? Twenty inches wasn't real, after all... Or maybe he felt Kakashi-san was making fun of his lack of penis by showing it to Hermit? It would explain why Hermit fainted—it wasn't everyday a genin learned that his jounin-sensei had a hidden vagina;

_and Seven._ stomped flat by dickless junior in a fit of tiny rage against _Tomato-san _who won't stop calling Naruto-dickless _dobe_ and _baka_ and _usuratonkachi._

In between, Sai had consistently commented on Uchiha's abysmal performance as a shinobi whenever Uchiha and Naruto engaged in an impromptu spar. This he did when he discovered that, though only dickless could truly get a rise out of Uchiha, Uchiha actually _welcomed _Naruto's taunts. It was another sign of bond, Sai realized. Uchiha, in another consistent showing of his bond with dickless, also appeared unhappy whenever he drew Naruto in varying degrees of undress.

He had drawn Ugly once in the style of Naruto's _Oiroke no Jutsu_—that is, with strategically placed smoke on her nonexistent woman parts—and only dickless had been unhappy about it. Naruto's _Fuuton: Rasengan_ had grazed his left hand. He still couldn't hold a brush with it.

Ugly had healed him when she dropped by that day. After beating dickless up as punishment for hurting a teammate and then learning why Naruto attacked him, Ugly had accidentally broken his left wrist and it took Nara's_ Kagemane no Jutsu _to stop her from doing the same to his spine.

"What next?" Naruto murmured thoughtfully, breaking Sai from this thoughts. They had already covered the _I-dislike-sweet things_ part—Naruto had announced on the third day that he was in the mood for sweets and all forms of lunch and snacks since then had been sweet, courtesy of his worshipful kits. Naruto had also consistently accidentally poured a cup of sugar on Uchiha's onigiri, and the disgusted Uchiha had taken to gnawing on peanuts while they worked so he wouldn't be forced to see the sea of sweets during lunch and snack breaks.

_"Sweets. Tch."_

Bright colors—Sai had mentioned that Naruto liked being surrounded by bright colors, especially orange, and his kits had promptly taken action. Amaya braided her long black hair with orange ribbons, and had exchanged her dark blue top for an orange one, paired with her black harem pants tucked inside brand new orange boots. Tomoaki, already bright with his white-blond hair, added a bright orange cap to his attire and exchanged his geta with neon orange boots. Even Souzou, the rational one, exchanged his flak-green fingerless gloves for orange ones. _"Glow in the dark too!"_ like Tomo happily announced.

_"Che. Orange."_

They also used orange bento boxes and Tomo even had his _Grandpapa_ design orange chopsticks with orange fox prints for all of them. Since then, Uchiha was conspicuously absent during mealtimes, returning the moment the kits were packing up with his face colder and his eyes more murderous. Kakashi would only chuckle and usher the kits away after they had shouted their exuberant _"Ja ne!"_ to their sensei.

Speaking of eyes—Uchiha's eyes had been quite _eye-catching_ lately.

"Naruto," a cheerful voice greeted, which significantly lowered in enthusiasm next, "Sai."

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto greeted back, waving his chopsticks happily. Sai nodded in greeting as Sakura slid on the chair to Naruto's right. After ordering, the medic jounin turned to Naruto with a concerned expression.

"Is something wrong with Sasuke-kun?" she asked.

Naruto paused in mid-swallow. "_Waar?_"

Sakura was frowning. "I think he's not sleeping well. Does he have insomnia?"

Naruto and Sai exchanged a secret look. Inwardly snickering, Naruto shrugged. "Maybe."

Green eyes narrowed. "You've something do with it, haven't you."

Naruto pouted. Why was he always accused? Didn't Sakura-chan know it's not nice to accuse people? "Hey! 'S not my fault Sasuke-teme can't sle—"

"It is," a cold voice interrupted.

Naruto jumped in surprise. "Teme!"

Sasuke stood behind Naruto, his arms arrogantly crossed over his chest. A great pair of eyebags under clearly tired eyes contrasted sharply with his ivory skin. Spiky dark hair fell over his aristocratic features, giving him a haunted look despite the chilling glare he threw at him. His shoulders were slouched forward, his body a little stooped, and Naruto thought that maybe, waking him up was a bit of an overkill.

Besides, the blue veins twitching around the bastard's eyes were kinda freaky.

He scratched his head with a guilty look. "Just thought you'd like it, y'know. Someone dropping by and waking you up?"

"At _three in the morning?_" Sasuke hissed.

"That's just one time!" Naruto protested.

"That's just _it_," Sasuke growled. "You wake me up at random hours!"

"But random's fun!" Naruto argued. "Routine is_ boring!_ Don't you think it's boring waking up at the same time every damned day? Like _roosters_?" At Sasuke's cold glare, Naruto inched away. "_What?_ I'm just trying to save you from rooster-hood! I'm not even going to talk about your hair!"

Sasuke's voice was throbbing with danger. "Do_be. _I wake up at the same time everyday as I require consistent sleeping hours _like everybody else._" He leaned closer, his breath hot and furious against Naruto. "Wake me up _again_ at _three_, or _four, _or _five_ or even _six in the morning_ and I will _castrate_ you and feed your suddenly detachable body parts to the roosters you adore so much."

Naruto sputtered. "O-Oi! That's too much! What d'you have against roosters anyway? And my dick stays out of this!"

"Once you find it," Sai reminded nicely.

Naruto shot the ANBU his filthiest glare. Sasuke began auctioning his soul for a chance to shoot laser through his eyes.

"You fuc—!"

"So what now, _u-su-ra-ton-ka-chi?_" Sasuke asked through gritted teeth.

Naruto kicked Sai instead before scratching his nape sheepishly. "Anou... I say _didn't you know that's the longest thing you've ever said_?"

"_Dobe..._"

Naruto pouted. "There's nothing wrong with waking you up! The way you talk, 's like you don't want me to wake you up!"

"_Yes!_"

Naruto huffed and turned away, his arms across his chest. Sakura finally spoke up. "You shouldn't be bothering Sasuke-kun like this. Naruto, you out of everyone should know how much Sasuke-kun likes to sleep in."

Sasuke glared at her in a frosty denial while Naruto pouted. "That's the thing, Sakura-chan. There's such a thing as liking it too much!"

"Liking it too much?"

Sasuke blanched while Naruto nodded. "Un. It was Wednesday, I thi—"

"_Na. ru. to._"

Naruto waved his hand, unaware of the malevolent aura encompassing the white-faced Uchiha. "Maa, maa. I told ya it's an ordi—"

"_One. more. word_," Sasuke said calmly, darkly. Naruto swallowed, seeing the threat in the red-tinted eyes and not a little excited about it. "One more word, _Naruto_."

It was embarrassing enough, Sasuke thought furiously, to be caught in a situation beyond his control—it would be downright humiliating if he explained how it came to be. Not to Sakura, no—but to the _idiot_. Not that _Naruto_ expected him to _explain_—Sasuke had lived his life without going around explaining to everyone who would listen. He expected everyone to understand in one go and shut the hell up. But when a topic is constantly brought up, a person talks sooner or later even against his will.

And no way would Sasuke do that.

He wasn't lying when he said Naruto was the cause of his atrocious sleep, but it ran deeper than the idiot knew of. Frankly, being woken up early wasn't much of a problem to him, not after Orochimaru whose tongue tended to be grabby and not after Karin whose hands tended to be wandering. Fact is, Sasuke actually _liked_ the idea that the moron was willing to wake up early to wake _him_ early.

If only the damn moron was consistent, though.

Sasuke grunted. It was this damned inconsistency that was driving him insane. How was he to take care of his fucking _problem_ when he was in danger of having the utter idiot popping up on him during random early hours? It was bad enough that it wasn't _really_ an innocent problem—having Naruto discover it for what it really was would make things _worse!_

He finally sat down beside Sakura, not keen on sitting beside Sai. He mechanically ordered beef ramen and inwardly sighed as he waited.

His body, for reasons unbeknownst, had betrayed him.

Another inward sigh. It seemed the past years of sexual indifference and unconscious abstinence were in a hurry to make up for lost times. As if being... _hormonal_ at inappropriate moments for the past days weren't bad enough!

It began last week and it had been frustrating him since. The first time he had those... _strange _dreams, he had woken up hot and feverish and confused, feeling an acute need to release _something_ that hurt so much it was a physical ache. He had forgotten his dream as soon as he had woken up, but there were lingering visions of sweat and skin and he was panting too hard too fast too deep and when he looked down—

_Oh. Shit._

It explained everything.

_Fuck._

And he didn't know how to take care of it.

When he had shifted to cool himself and his sheets accidentally rubbed against his crotch, he ended up hissing and writhing and feeling so damned humiliated about the wrongness of it all. All lessons of puberty during the Academy had been forgotten in the face of the painful newness of his situation, and his only logical thought had been—

_Hot. Must shower._

And so he had.

Two days after, Naruto had begun popping up to wake him. Sasuke had managed to wake early enough to jump into the shower to take care of _it_, his mind trying to remember his dreams to at least have an idea of who he needed to fucking kill. It was damned frustrating, being on the brink _every_—_damn_—_time_ with no release forthcoming, with having his sleep cut off, with having to wake up wrestling with his sheets, with having to wake up humping his pillow that had magically slid down between his legs, with having to wake up gasping for breath because he was choking and moaning and _wanting_.

Then one day, Naruto came to wake him up at _three in the morning._

Something was up, alright—_and_ _it wasn't him._

Sasuke had woken up in bewildered panic, remembering vivid flashes of gold and bronze, only to rub against his silk boxers and bite down on a hiss.

"Na, teme... you have _morning wood_? Like, _seriously?_"

His glare had been darker than his unlit room. Which, thankfully, hid the mortified blush under his flushed, sweaty skin.

"Wow, so even stuck-up bastards get them too!" A cock of the head—_no!_ he thought wildly, _not head, not cock!_—and Naruto frowned. "What's up with _you?_ Er... hehe, no pun intended. You just kinda look like you're in pain or something."

Sasuke was too busy gathering shreds of dignity to speak up.

Naruto shrugged. "Morning wood doesn't usually hurt, y'know. I mean, I barely feel mine. It goes away sometimes, sometimes it doesn't. I just jerk it off." His brows furrowed and he rolled his eyes. "You're probably too good for that, na, _teme_?"

When Sasuke didn't answer—_couldn't_ answer—Naruto bent forward, placing his hands over his knees and towering over the bed. His eyebrows wiggled suggestively. "Want me to help you out?" he purred. "I can—"

"Shower," Sasuke gasped out, scrambling gracelessly out of his bed and running to his bathroom.

"—stab you and the pain would make it go a—_eh?_"

Seconds later and there was a sound of cold running water. And thumping as Sasuke tried to kill himself by banging his head on the wall.

Minutes later, he returned to his room with the idiot sprawled on his bed and slobbering his version of Nakano River. Sasuke kicked him out of his bed and pushed his still unconscious form outside his window. The explosions and screams from his activated traps appeased him somewhat, though it didn't stop him from wondering again how Naruto managed to bypass them in the first place.

Since then, Sasuke went to sleep in a state of anxiety. His dreams couldn't be trusted and so was his infernal self-appointed alarm clock. He couldn't sleep, and the most rest he could get were from naps that only left him more tired and irritated. Added with the daily punishment of facing the genin cell from orange hell, the useless former jounin-sensei who was consistently useless, and the smiling asshole in need of another friend to steal, Sasuke thought he might just drop dead one of these days and it would be the happiest day of his life.

"_SASUKE!_"

He automatically glared, his mind processing the voice ownership. Shrill. _Female? _Husky. _Male?_ Loud. _Both? _His glare didn't abate as he swiftly drew a conclusion, dark eyes landing unerringly on the abominable creature from ramen dystopia.

"Dobe."

"_Finally_," Naruto exhaled with exaggerated exasperation. "I _said_, since you wanna be a rooster, I'd stop. So thank me!"

A chilly glare. Relief hidden well.

"'Sides," he went on as he stood up, Sai following beside him. "Sai-baka just asked me to wake him instead. At least, there's _someone_ who appreciates my kindness!"

A blink. Sharingan hidden well.

"Will you take care of my morning wood, dickless?"

The ramen stand exploded.

Temper... not hidden well.

* * *

**Notes:**

Katon: Housenka no Jutsu

(Fire Release: Mythical Fire Phoenix) A Ninjutsu technique utilizing the Fire Element. The ninja does the necessary hand seals and then emits a series of small fire balls. The ninja can also hurl a projectile which is covered in these same flames. To the opponent the attack appears to be only the balls of flame, they do not see the hidden threat within the flames. Meaning that even if the flames are put out, the projectiles still converge on the target. The flames can be used to cover different projectiles like shuriken or kunai.

Fuuton: Rasengan

(Wind Release: Spiral Sphere) Wind Element version of Rasengan developed by Uzumaki Naruto to stay on equal footing with Uchiha Sasuke. This expands the original concept of Rasengan and mixes his own chakra element, wind. The predecessor to Fuuton: Rasenshuriken.

Kagemane no Jutsu

(Shadow Imitation) aka Kage Shibari no Jutsu. Kage Mane no Jutsu is a Ninjutsu technique developed by the Nara clan. It's original purpose was as a skill to help delay any pursuers. After forming the needed hand seals, the clan member is able to manipulate their shadow along any surface. By using other nearby shadows they can further extend the reach of their shadow, however they are limited to the surface area of the original cast shadow. Once the clan members shadow reaches the targets shadow, it will attach itself. While attached the target will be frozen, only able to replicate in mirror form the actions of the clan member. If the clan member is low on chakra, the Kage Mane will falter and the shadow will return to its normal form.


End file.
